ooc the erich hess character has existed in several incarnations. this is an attempt to finalize his backstory....for better or worse

what exactly goes into the making of an erich hess? many have wondered this,a few have made the effort to find out,but only i am qualified to write the particulars. and write particulars i shall do. the names in my story will not be changed,and i will not alter things to make me the hero.

its only logical to start at the beggining.to do otherwise,would make for a confusing story and a tarentino like plot line...not acceptable for our purposes,but feel free to hum the surf tune of your choice while reading this.

it all started the day i was born.i dont remember much about this time,but according to the pictures,i was a cute baby.my mother,priscilla,was a rare but dedicated female elvis impersonator. father hess was a truck driver with a penchant for cross dressing. fuck it,it gets lonely out there on the road,he had to pass the time some way. unlike a lot of musicians,my origin story isnt full of torment and absent or hateful parents. mine were loving,and always there for me. they still are,for that matter.
we lived in a tiny town in west virginia until i was 9. the town only had a few hundred people in it,and was nearly mayberry like in its wholesomeness. times were tough,no doubt. but not unbearable. it was during this time i stepped foot onto the path that brought me here. being the 80's, terrible country music was a boundless sea around my young self. my mother gave me a tiny a.m. radio. it was her's as a young girl. that little radio was my portal out of country pop and into rock n roll. the only station my little panapet 70 picked up,played nothing but 50's rock and country. look up panapets,they are cool. little round radios,with two knobs that look like eyes. mine is a blue one. cant say if it stopped working,or am stations dont exist anymore..... back to the story. my little blue radio brought me elvis,buddy holly,hank williams and eddie cochran in static filled glory. i remember my cousin and i would stand on our beds and imitate elvis..who knew i'd be getting paid to do this decades later. my cousin went on to join the army. he is now a special forces bad ass who can take chuck norris..kinda looks like him too. i guess his job is slightly more important than mine....rock groupies are cuter than army groupies though. so i guess i kinda win.jeremy could kick my ass,so he might have the final win..who can say? havent talked to the guy in years .

nine years of my life had passed,and i found we were leaving west virgina for sunny florida. now is where the fun sorta starts. being the new kid with unfashionable hair,yup,i was pomping hard as a tiny kid,i found myself in loads of school yard fights. these were the days before lawsuit happy yuppies,so fights were never really seriously dealt with. i remember once,the p.e coach broke up the fight and sent us to opposite ends of the play ground. nowadays,there'd be news copters and a supreme court hearing. it was in one of these early scraps,i met a lifelong friend,carl. carl saved me from getting my ass kicked in third grade,and continued to do so for our entire school career .carl was...well,insane. he was about 5 foot 1,and never backed down from any one. we made an odd pair,but it was the sort of friendship where we didnt even have to speak to know what the other was thinking. carl was the one i got drunk with first,got high with first,and he introduced me to my first girlfriend. but those stories come later.
back to 10 years old, even as kids,carl was the tough one,the one who came up with our schemes to cause trouble round the neighborhood.not to say we were thugs,as we both were raised to be southern gentlemen,but we werent above stealing the bikes of those who wronged us...or shooting their parents' car windows with bb guns. if they really pissed us off,we'd aim for the radiator. nothing like seeing that green antifreeze pour out.we were thick as thieves and all that. carl also had a cousin that i had such a crush on.it was sorta weird, since she and carl looked so much alike,they coulda been siblings. nikki was hot though,but carl would never hook me up.nikki and i would have really hit it off...i think,even if she saw me as carl's odd friend. we spent these early years skating and....well,skating some more. neither of us were any good,but it killed time..and cost us several acres of skin.

fast forward a couple years to..say seventh grade.if i could pin point a moment in life that damaged me in that special way that makes me,me..this would be it.so sit back,grab a brandy and get ready for the real weepy part of the story.

OOC: I want a mini Erich Hess in real life lol :P

OOC: This is freaking awesome :D

continued.....

so there i was,tied to a fire hydrant with only a pair of rubber boots and....oh.wrong story!!! where were we??? oh yeah. tripping my ass off on the b.a.r.t. that was my first experience with lsd...and once i got over the fear, i loved it. the complete abandon,the feeling of being connected to every single living cell on earth,the way all 5 senses melded into one,its extremely hard to describe. go out and experience if you havent. life's too short to miss out.

i ended up living with erica's older brother for a bit. jigen was a real cool cat. i dont know what his name actually was,everyone called him "jigen",apparently he looked a lot like a comic book character of the same name. years later i picked up a lupin the 3rd book and.....well,they were right.he was a dead ringer for the guy. at the time jigen and i made ends meet by working in an auto body shop.years later jigen was killed in a motorcycle accident. but not how you would think.he wasnt on the bike.he was driving a convertible mustang when a motorcyclist crashed into the side of the car,decapitating him. fucking sad.but so it goes...i've always loved that phrase. go read "slaughter-house five".you wont regret it. jigen liked the book too.

around this time erica also became pregnant...by me.neither of us were ready,we were no where near being responsible enough to even take care of ourselves.hell,erica was still in school at the time.so...well,you can guess what happened next. clearly we dont have a child around. we agreed there would be no regrets,and we'd make it up to our unborn offspring when we were ready.it turns out that day never will come. when we bought the duke of winchester at an air force auction,we didnt know it was used as target practice at bikini atoll.the residual radiation has rendered the entire hess clan sterile. again,so it goes.

age 18

erica graduates high school,and we get married shortly after. for no real reason,other than being madly in love....in spite of erica preferring the physical company of women. the wedding was great.we got married in vegas by elvis! really,is there any other way to get married in vegas? oddly enough,our marriage marked the start of our...unique relationship.i wouldnt expect anyone to understand it,but it works extremely well for people whom rock and roll is a job.

erica moves to amsterdam to open a dominatrix establishment and i move back to florida.i dont really know why i didnt go to amsterdam too.i guess it didnt feel right. besides,what the hell would i have done in a dominatrix shop? mopped the blood off the floor? i have my dignity...to an extent. upon returning to florida,i kept going south until i hit miami. a big mistake as the city is a complete hell hole.it isnt near as great as tv would lead you to believe.

i dont know if was because i was married to a newly dutch dominatrix,but i ended up working in a dirty book store on 7th ave in miami.the old shop is now a fishing tackle store,but it was a seedy sex shop back when i used to prowl those streets. working in the store was a hoot.who doesnt like putting dildos on clearance,and dusting the nipple clamps? my coworker was a lovely woman named karoliena verlinden...whom i mistook for a porn star when i first met her.come on,you know she looks like she could have been.