THE SAME FOUR WALLS - DECEMBER 17TH 2010



This town bores me. Same faces. Same issues. Same routine. Same four walls I have to stare at every day and night. For a place with rolling hills of green, the freshest of air and scenery that conjures up images of freedom, I've never felt more trapped. It's like video games with invisible walls that cut off the edge of the map. I can keep marching on, feeling weak in the knees and severely out of breath as I climb over hill after hill, wade through field after field but in the end, the only way is back. Back to Fethard. Yawn. Buses only come once an hour and it's not like they're any use to me either. I don't have any money of my own and even if I did, it'll only take me to similar towns. The priests may have different names and the Post Office might be situated on a different end but, ultimately, all these small towns are the same.

I don't mean to sound ungrateful. I have a roof over my head and I've never went hungry. I saw a clip on the news recently about poor little babies in an African village who are just wasting away and dying so young and so quickly because they have no nourishment. That's no life and, in comparison, mine is like a haven. I have it easy...in most regards. My quality of life, depending on how you look at it, is pretty decent but the lifestyle? Not for me. I love my ma and da. I love my entire family, well...most of them. I just...I just wish they'd see that I am not them. Everyone here is like a copy of one another. They all have the same opinion. All the kids go to the same school. Everyone goes to the same church. Everyone has the exact same routine. Pretty sure everyone has the exact same food too. We have a greengrocers and a butchers. That's it. I'm tired of looking at mince and potatoes. There's a recipe book in school that has a page on blueberry muffins. They look so good. I want to try one someday. Until then, it's bloody barmbrack for me. Yuck!

People look at me as if I'm an eejit when I tell them that I want to be a singer. The girls here grow up to be stay at home wives or teachers and the boys either go work in a factory, become a blacksmith or a policeman. No idea what the police actually do. I see them arrest bad men on TV and stuff but nothing like that happens here. The only crime I ever recall was a postbox being bent and even that was put down to the strong winds. I don't want to be a policeman. I don't want to do any of those jobs. I feel so alien. Why does everyone live like this and not complain? Surely not EVERY SINGLE PERSON here has the SAME ambitions? Surely some dreams have been crushed along the way? Surely I'm not the only one in the history of this old village who wants to leave it all behind? It sure seems that way, though. I once said to my dad that I wanted to visit London and he started yelling at me, bawling about how the English are terrible and then he sent me to my room. That was the end of that conversation.

I really, really hate going to church too. As a kid, I didn't mind it. It was normal to me. I thought everybody in the world did it. It was part of life. When I heard from one of my teachers that some people in the world don't go and that some have different Gods, I was shocked...and a tad jealous. I've been pulling away from God and the church for a while now. At first it was out of jealousy. My family, my dad in particular, spends more time on God than he does me. He places more value in God than me. He seems to have more respect for God than he does me. I don't like this pressure that comes with it. I don't like having to bow down to some guy and blindly value him more than everything and everyone. It's scary to me. I don't like how everyone is hung up on the words of a guy they've never even met. It all just seems silly to me but what would I know? I'm just a dumb 14 year old. I haven't lived an exciting, enthralling, page turning life like Sister Evelyn and Father Michael.

Oh and another reason I'm not the biggest fan of Jesus and the church right now? I'm pretty sure that I like boys. It's weird to say out loud. I've always known I was "different" in a sense. When I was younger, I had no interest in girls nor did I aspire to be a husband. When people playfully teased stuff like "oh is that your girlfriend?" when I so much as smiled at a girl in my class, it made me feel sick. Not that I found girls repulsive. I didn't even like boys back then. I'm talking about like when I was a proper kid. All I know is that even little remarks like that didn't feel right. I've always felt like an outsider. I always knew deep down that I wasn't going to grow up the way that people wanted. Over the last year or so, I've been fighting these growing feelings. There's this boy in my school called Colin and...well, I've had thoughts about him. I have to do everything within my will not to stare at him, especially when we're changing for gym class. Suffering God. I hate this. I know that if I tell anyone, they won't understand. I'll just be yelled at, beaten and told I'm going to Hell. Oh I'm not stupid, I pay attention to what everyone has to say about gay people. Don't think I've heard one nice thing.

That's another thing, if I am really gay...then SURELY there must be others in this town, right? I keep telling myself that I'm not wrong, that I'm not disgusting but it's hard to believe that when everyone else around me acts so picture perfect. If there are other gays living here then they deserve an award for their acting performances. Everyone here must be so terrified to go against the status quo. I feel like I can't be the real me because it's "not allowed". There's nobody to support me here. Reason 10384 why I want to leave. It's so frustrating. I cry myself to sleep at times. I feel like I can never get out of this constant cycle of denial, mundane living and repression.

It's currently 10pm. I should be sleeping right now and if dad comes in and catches me up, it's another smacking. I can't sleep though. These thoughts fill my mind almost every night. Instead of crying about it, I think I'm just going to read through the liner notes of the Like A Prayer CD booklet until I drift off. That always helps me. This album is another thing I have to hide. My Dad thinks her music is blasphemous. I got this from a secondhand store when I was visiting my aunt and uncle in Nenagh last year. I remember reading that Madonna arrived in a place called New York with just pennies to her name and became the famous lady she is today because she worked hard and believed in herself. Maybe one day I could do that? Get the courage to just up and leave for a foreign land and become the singer I've always dreamed of being. Ugh...I can dream, right?

BILLY - JANUARY 5TH 2012



Last night was chaos. An outer body experience. I feel like I simultaneously recall it both vividly and vaguely. It's bizarre. Parts of it still feel fresh like saying the words and feeling Billy's warm embrace. Other moments such as the bawling and nauseous churns are just a haze now. Adrenaline and lack of sleep does that to you. I can't believe it's almost been a full day. My first 24 hours as a proper gay man. It's awfully fabulous. Last night I thought my world was going to come crashing down around me but today has been just wonderful. One of the best days of my life. Billy was fantastic with me and I also told the other three boys at breakfast. Billy and I sat Riley, Oscar and Scott down at the table. I came out while Oscar poured his Frosties into a bowl. It was far less dramatic than my first reveal. Sure, I was a little nervous but I knew I had Billy in my corner and it wasn't as scary as saying it for the first time. I now actually have some experience and confidence under my belt. I was so happy that they accepted me but, as selfish as it may sound, I was happier that I was in a place where I was confident enough to say it. Not long ago, I would've preferred to die than have someone know my little secret. To talk about it over breakfast is such a triumph.

Billy, however, didn't say anything about his bisexuality. I found it odd at first. I believed we were going to have it all out at the dining table. I was telling my story and I expected Billy to come in afterwards and tell his but as time went on, I could feel that the focus was not going to shift from me. It also wasn't my place to reveal Billy's news so I kept it under wraps. I pulled him to one side a few hours ago and asked him about why he stayed quiet about his sexuality after hyping me up. Surely he wasn't scared? Billy doesn't get scared. Well, unless it involves deep water. I would've fought his corner if he needed me to. When I quizzed him about it, he simply said; "Today was about you. I couldn't care less about me and my situation. It's not their business. They can find out another time. You being happy and owning this is what matters most." Ugh, my heart!! He's so sweet. I dare not call him that, though. I've noticed that Billy doesn't take compliments well. He seems to have a really hard shell and tends to act a little standoffish with people, especially with Oscar. I don't think he likes him that much. With me, however, he's just lovely.

Of course, he's sleeping in with me again tonight. I love it when we share at the best of times but after last night? He's my security blanket. I can't imagine going to bed without his snuggles now. He truly is my best friend. I've never had a best friend before. I don't think he has either. We sort of came into each others lives at the right moment and bonded right away. Of course, I still love the other boys and see them as big brothers...more so than my actual brothers. It's just that Billy and I have this really tight bond. He's just my favourite person ever. I can literally tell him anything. Life's so good right now. I snuggle up under the covers and just relax for a few minutes, thinking about how much life has changed since October and how magical these last 24 hours have been. The lights are still on but they aren't distracting me. My thoughts are too blissful and the sound of the shower next door is calming. This is great.

The soothing sound of the water is abruptly cut off. I was enjoying that. A couple of minutes later, Billy walks into the room with a towel around his waist, still rather wet. Ooh la la. He might be my best friend but I'm still allowed to think he's hot, right? I hope that's OK. "Where's the hairdryer, Dust?". Before I get a chance to answer, I'm dumbfounded at the sight that lays before my eyes. Billy moves his towel from his waist to dry the back of his head and in doing so, the white fluffy towel swings every so often and reveals...it. I've never seen him naked before. I've never seen a man fully naked before, at least not in the flesh. It's pretty mesmerising. He's just gorgeous. I can't help but look every time the swinging towel allows me to see flesh. It's so pretty. Very smooth, rather long and a gorgeous darker complexion but...where is the little thing at the end? You know...the little cover? Did they not all grow like that? Is mine faulty? Oh no, do I have to go see a doctor?!? It's an odd feeling when you're pitching a tent and simultaneously thinking about a doctor's appointment.

"Oi! You willy watching?" Billy says with a laugh, snapping me out of my gaze. Fuck, he noticed. How embarrassing. Let me just go crawl under a rock and die. "No..n-no...I-uh...I was just thinking about where the hairdryer was...it's uh...it's in the top drawer," I say unconvincingly. Playing it cool is not my strong point. I was definitely caught red handed. Billy grins and slings the towel over his shoulder, showing it all off now. He walks forward and I try my best to avert my eyes but it's proving difficult. Billy reaches into the bedside drawer and takes out the hairdryer, just mere inches away from me. Resisting temptation, I make the conscious effort to look up at his face instead. I'm met with a cheeky wink from him. "It's OK if you looked, you know?" and with that, he turns and walks out of the room, giving me a view of his bare butt for the first time too. That's gorgeous as well. Jesus, what is doing to me? Is this real? Is this seriously real life right now?

As Billy is off drying his hair, I lay and stare at the ceiling, thinking about what I have just witnessed. It's a shame I won't be alone because I could really use a right good THINK about it. It's not long before Billy returns and, to my surprise and delight, he's still naked. I don't get much of a look though as he switches off the light. It then dawns on me that he's about to get in beside me...nude. Oh my God! I think I'm...yeah, I'm having heart palpitations. As thrilling as it is, I'm also rather scared. What are the rules of sleeping next to a naked person? Is keeping my distance rude? Is being close an offence? I cannot cope. It's too late. I feel the covers lift and the bed weigh down a little. He's in beside me. I just lay out straight, looking totally rigor mortis and breathe heavily through an awkward silence.

"Saw you looking earlier, Dust..." says Billy's soft voice from within the darkness after a few minutes of quiet.

My eyes widen and practically fall out of their sockets. The shame. "Billy...I'm so-"

"Shhhh, it's OK," he hushes me immediately, almost comforting me like he did last night. I hear him swallow a nervous lump and quietly clear his throat before he continues and delivers the knockout punch. "Do you want to touch it?"

What?! Am I dreaming? Did...did he really just say those words? Yeah, I'm gay and he's bisexual so it's not an odd thing. Why does it feel so odd though? I never really saw myself doing...that. Sure, I had my imagination but I thought wishful thinking would be as far as it'd go for me. I never dreamt of actually coming out let alone touching another man. This is crazy. 16 years of denial and being cooped up in that hellish village and I'm finally being rewarded in spade loads. Never thought I'd see the day so forgive me for thinking this is too good to be true. This could possibly be a dream but I don't want to wake up before the good bit. "Yeah...y-yeah I would..." I say with a nervous giggle. As much as I want to do it, this is still bizarre to me and brand new territory. The shaky hands and voice are a side effect of that. Maybe one day I'll be able to do this without giggling like a naughty schoolboy. Hope it's not too unsettling for Billy.

"Here..." Billy whispers, reaching out and taking my hand. He guides me over to his side and down a few inches. It's only a matter of seconds before I feel warm flesh. Christ, it's warm. You could heat soup up on it. Actually, that would cause some nasty burns. Scratch that logic. It does feel different to holding my own though. I wrap my hand around it and feel it growing hotter and harder in my grip. In the dark it feels ginormous! "Move your hand up and down. It's alright..." Billy says in a breathy voice. Oh. I know what he wants me to do. It's gone from just a simple touch to actual sexual stuff. I mean, it's great. I can't believe I'm actually doing this...but I have no experience other than doing it to myself. What if I hurt him? I'm still unsure about why the end of his willy looks like that. Do I have to do something special to it?

"I...I haven't done this before..." I say sheepishly. I know he's well aware of the fact that I'm a virgin but I'd just like to reiterate that so that if it does turn out to be crap, he feels sorry for me instead rather than thinking I'm rubbish in bed.

Billy just chuckles and strokes my arm with a fingertip. "It's OK, Dusty. Do whatever you like or don't do it at all. Whatever you're happy with." His stroking of my arm really spurs me on. He's been so good to me, he deserves a treat. With that, I start to move my hand up and down the length of him. I keep on doing this for a few minutes, following his commands of "faster" and getting confidence from the sharp sounds of his breathing. I'm going good. "Shit! Keep going! Don't stop!" he blurts out in a loud yet breathy voice. Obviously it's feeling really good for him right now. I follow his command and keep on going. After a grunt and a big sigh from Billy, I feel him twitch within my hand followed by a warm liquid dripping down over my grip.

Billy leans over and switches the lamp on. I see the mess and feel conflicted. On one hand it's hot! On the other...ew, it's all sticky and over me! "Jesus..." I just say as I look at the aftermath. The white substance against the dark brown of Billy's skin is a sight to behold. It's...oddly beautiful. Billy hands me a tissue and starts to clean himself up. He doesn't say much else and I'm glad as I have no idea what to say. It was amazing, sure...but again, I don't know the etiquette.

Billy throws our used tissues into the wastebasket before giving me a gentle kiss on the forehead. It sends a tingle down my spine. He's kissed me there and on the cheek before but, after that, it felt so different. Honestly? I wish he kissed me on the lips. There's so much more I want to do but that little experience was good enough. I just wanked off another guy. Me! Who would've thought? I'll remember this for as long as I'll live. I smile back at Billy. "Goodnight, Billy..."

"Goodnight, Dusty," Billy winks and turns away, switching the lamp off and with that, we lay in the darkness until we drift off to sleep after that energetic little adventure.

Actually, scratch that. About 45 minutes later and my mind is still wired. There's something on my mind and I can't rest until I have the answer. "Billy...?"

"Yeah, Dust?" he responds in a groggy voice.

"I uh...I hope I don't sound rude or anything...but uh...I was wondering...you know the end of your willy?"

"Yes, I'm fairly acquainted with it. What about it?" Billy says, clearly a few seconds away from sleep. I better ask now while I have the chance.

"Why does it look like that? Why doesn't it have the little hood cover on the end?" I ask through gritted teeth, hoping he won't turn around and belt me for asking such a thing. I know it's an intimate question but I just HAVE to know.

Billy clears his throat and sighs. "'Cause I got it snipped off when I was a baby. Goodnight, Dust." OK maybe I DIDN'T need to know after all. As Billy drifts off to sleep, I lay there, eyes wide open, thinking about an enormous pair of scissors. Sweet dreams.