entertainment this morning host
eric hess
host:good morning and welcome to entertainment this morning.for months people have wondered just what became of minor celebrity,erich hess.well,wonder no more.....we found him!
camera cuts to a very dirty and very wasted erich hess.
erich:*winks and points* heeeeey.
host:you look a little different erich,wheres your pompadour?
erich:fucking lost it.
host:you lost it?
erich:yup.i woke up one day,and the bastard was using my toothbrush.now i dont know about you,but i'll be damned if i'll share my toothbrush with anyone.so we got into this huge fight.i called the pomp a whore,just like her mother.
host:.....
erich:then all hell broke loose.i dont remember the particulars of it.but i remember shooting when she lunged at me.
host:the hair....lunged at you?
erich:are you fucking deaf?! yes,it nearly took my head off.why do you think the yakuza wear pompadours,just to look cool?
host:well,yeah.
erich:that's partially true.but the main reason is the hair do's skill with improvised weapons.mine came at me with a mayonnaise jar. i had to pump four rounds into her before she quit twitching.
host:.....right.so where have you been all this time? the world got a taste of the war bride,a smidge of the harlots,then you all just vanished.where have you been?
erich:we sorta broke down off the coast of malta.
host:ah,the venerable duke of winchester?
erich:exactly.you know how hard finding parts for vintage cruise liners is?
host:no,actually i dont.
erich:well,it's fucking hard,let me tell you.especially in malta.all they seem to make in malta are crosses and falcons.neither of which are any good for repairing ships.fun fact,did you know malta has more women than men?plus the men are so femmy,they might as well be women anyway.
host:that isnt very nice.
erich:you're telling me.it can make a man feel confused.so very confused.*shakes head*
host:what of the harlots?
erich:they actually are women.not mincing maltese males.
host:ok,whats with the maltese male bashing?
erich:hell if i know.i'm just trying to pad out your so called "interview".though,i think i might have seen it in a movie once.
host:...and the harlots?
erich:oh yeah.really good people.i dont know what i'd do without them.if i was ever stuck on gilligans island.i'd want the harlots with me.they are like charlies angels.only better,and less 70's.......but i'd still want ginger on that island.rowrz.
host:that didnt really answer my question.
erich:yes.i do fell the gregorian chant albums are way overrated.i mean,seriously? monks chanting,what the fuck?
host:now you're just being silly.
erich:hey,you're the one who didnt offer me any lemonade.i should be taking offense with you.ma'am.i bid you good day,and i'm about to vomit on your shoes *tosses his cookies all over host.ironically,not getting a drop on her shoes.*
