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The following blog entry was posted on ThickChewyCrust.com
Hello to all of the Crustaceans out there! I know that it's been a right while since I posted an update and I want to apologize for that. I've been preoccupied with the day-to-day business of running the record label (Bee's Knees Industries) in addition to rehearsing with Suenaga for The Crust's upcoming tour of Asia. Sue and I always have fun kicking it with our homies in places like Manila and Kuala Lumpur and we want to make sure that our performance on this tour is up to snuff. Plus, if you have a bad gig over there you might end up as an ingredient in somebody's dinner. Anyway, the last time that I posted I asked you guys and gals to send in your questions for the next blog. As always you've responded in a big way and I want to thank each of you who submitted questions! Now let's get into it, shall we?
PeterTheSmashingPumpkinsEater asks: What would you say has been the biggest highlight of your career so far (not including the nightly orgies with groupies)?
Cairo answers: First of all, I appreciate your assumption that I'm getting my end away with groupies every night, but my beautiful wife and musical partner Suenaga is all the groupie that I need. As for highlights, there have been many. I remember the first show that Sue and I played together after forming Thick Chewy Crust. We were at The Bowery in Brooklyn and the crowd was a raucous bunch. They were the types of folks who wear snot-stained t-shirts covered in dirt and grime. They were seemingly an appropriate crowd for a band with the word Crust in its name, but unfortunately they didn't enjoy our brand of slow, lumbering, doom metal dirges. Their boos, catcalls and pelting of trash onto the stage might have forced other bands to flee, but it actually encouraged us to mix up our set a bit. We improvised some speedy punk-influenced passages and incorporated them into the songs that we had already written and rehearsed for the show. The crowd responded favorably and promptly ceased their heckling. From that point forward Sue and I decided that we would never limit ourselves in our musical approach. It was an eye-opening experience. Truth be told, Suenaga never really liked doom metal or metal in general so she was happy to change things up. Of course she hates punk even more than metal, but we've incorporated many different elements into our sound since those early days. In short: Even though we were nearly booed offstage during our first show, it ended up being a major highlight and a turning point in our career.
Suenaga tells me that her biggest highlight occurred during our first gig in Tokyo. The show and the crowd were great, of course, but the shopping in downtown Tokyo was absolutely amazing. The shoes, the dresses, the leather S&M gear and the assortment of stage costumes were unlike anything that she had ever seen before. She even began incorporating a kabuki theme into our stage show as a result of her experience there.
Another major career highlight was when our latest single "Bin Laden Beard" debuted atop the charts in Uganda, giving us our first #1 hit anywhere in the world. We were really thrilled by that. It actually spent three consecutive weeks at #1 before being replaced by Samantha Fox's comeback single.
WeirdoWithAHandlebarMustache asks: Can you talk about the inspiration behind your songs, and also who writes them?
Cairo answers: Sue and I share the songwriting responsibilities. Inspiration, both musical and lyrical, is drawn from a litany of sources. Take our first single "Brain Crackle" for example: Each of the three songs on that record are unique in sound and lyrical theme. "Brain Crackle" is a heavy, doom-death style number that draws influence from some of my all-time favorite bands such as Celtic Frost, Pentagram, Candlemass, Black Sabbath and Opeth. The lyrics were inspired by the flashes of brilliance that occur while one is under the influence of particularly strong marijuana, and in fact that's what the song is about, to a degree. Sometimes while high we have these wonderful moments of clarity and wisdom that rarely enter our brain while sober, I call them "brain crackles", yet there's also that sense of paranoia and insecurity that becomes heightened while one is under the influence. That dichotomy represents a stark contrast of thought and emotion, and that's why I thought it was poetic that we had the contrasting vocals on that song, my demonlike growls interspersed with Sue's soaring, ethereal vocals.
"Boy In A Cage" is a b-side on the "Brain Crackle" single. The lyrics were inspired by an experience that I had while shopping at a grocery store one afternoon. There was a woman shopping at the store with her children, two boys. The mother was pushing a cart and one of her boys was also pushing a cart. The boy who was pushing the cart was probably around seven or eight years old. The other boy, same age or maybe even a little older, was sitting inside of the cart that his mother was pushing, in the area of the cart where one normally places their groceries. He was staring out from behind the metal bars of the cart like a prisoner sitting in a cell, a blank expression on his face, nonresponsive to his mother's questions. I thought this was a rather profound visual; a boy being transported in a cage, almost as if part of some weird child slavery ring. This encounter inspired me to research the subject of child slavery and write a heavy as fuck song about it featuring clean, easily-intelligible male and female vocals. I really want the listener to be able to understand what I'm saying on this track, because the subject matter is very important to me.
"Soft Moment" is the other b-side on the "Brain Crackle" single. It was penned by Ms. Suenaga Birch. "Soft Moment" distinguishes itself from the other two tracks on the single by having a much more melodic and textured sound, which as Sue tells me was inspired by the likes of Peter Gabriel, Kate Bush and Tangerine Dream. Whereas I like to bash the listener's brains in with heaviness, Sue favors the artistic liberation and sheer terror that comes with expressing raw human emotion musically, lyrically and vocally. She puts her feelings out there without holding back or mincing words. The end result is something more ominous than the heaviest guitar riff in the world. It's something that is vulnerable yet genuine, that we can all relate to. "Soft Moment" showcases the contrast between love and hate, companionship and desolation, contentment and emptiness.
Our next single was "Voice Broke Like A Wave". The title track is another emotionally-charged Suenaga tune. This one features tribal drumming and chants, a brooding bassline supplied by Sue herself, and lyrics that explore love, lust and crimes of passion.
I wrote the b-sides "Uncontrolled Breasts" and "Dixie Crowbars & Valiant Whiskey". It really didn't take me very long either. I wrote both of those mofos in one night while I was listening to the band Crowbar and getting plastered on cheap whiskey. The lyrics are admittedly a bit shallow but what's wrong with writing songs about babes, boobs, booze and brawling? Sue was kind enough to add some class to the affair by shrieking like a banshee on "Uncontrolled Breasts" and reading Sanskrit poetry on "Dixie Crowbars...". If nothing else these two tracks taught me that sleep deprivation, alcohol and porno mags can help me meet any songwriting deadline that I impose upon myself.
Our third and most recent single is "Bin Laden Beard". As I alluded to earlier this has become our most popular single, but it is perhaps our most controversial as well. We got political on this one. "Bin Laden Beard" is more than just a song about my totally badass beard (picture below).
It's also a song that addresses the state of the world today, critiquing the Ground Zero mosque controversy, American policy in the Middle East, and prejudice and ignorance in modern American society. I'm disappointed with what America has come to represent. It seems that many of my fellow Americans confuse intolerance and xenophobia with patriotism. Hopefully this hard-rocking tune with a heart and a message will set you motherfuckers straight.
"Hungry Man Dinner" is the first b-side on the "Bin Laden Beard" single and it represents another poignant, socio-political addition to the Thick Chewy Crust songbook. This song was penned by the lovely Ms. Birch. Sue is featured on lead vocals and she really showcases her range on this track like never before, even breaking out some raspy, "black metal" like vocals that I didn't know she was capable of. She's backed by a hypnotic bassline, searing guitar licks from yours truly, and an intricate, polyrhythmic drum track. The lyrics address poverty, homelessness, and hypocrisy in the social hierarchy.
"Gambler Smokes" is the second b-side on the "Bin Laden Beard" single. For this track we took a break from heavier topics and focused on our, shall we say, basest instincts? That was inevitable because frankly I couldn't think about anything else while we were writing and recording this song. Sue showed up to the studio one day wearing a low-cut blouse, tight ass-hugger jeans and black leather boots. Needless to say I wanted to spread her wide and do the dirty with her right then and there, but we put our hormones on hold long enough to get some work done on the song. Musically, "Gambler Smokes" has a bluesy, chasin' poontang and gettin' laid kinda vibe. Sue's vocals have this seductive, almost jazzy quality to them that I'm sure was inspired by equal parts Billie Holiday and Karoliena Verlinden. Meanwhile, I'm doing my best Tom Waits impression in the background.
The lyrics of "Gambler Smokes" tell the story of a man and a woman who meet at a smoky, old lounge dive in the Mississippi delta. The man is a suave hustler named Duke. The woman is a bosomy, strawberry-haired lounge singer named Simone. Duke buys Simone a drink and offers her a smoke, one of his Gambler Smokes in fact. For those who are unaware Gambler Smokes are these wonderful little cigars that look a lot like cigarettes but are much cheaper, retailing for $2 a pack. Anyway, Duke seduces Simone after getting her nice and liquored up and they engage in a wild night of passionate, sadomasochistic intercourse. When Duke wakes up the next morning he finds that Simone is gone and she has stolen his wallet. The hustler has been hustled by the hussy. As Duke sits there in bed, heartbroken and just plain broke, he gazes over to the nightstand and sees that Simone has left behind $2, just enough for him to buy another pack of Gambler Smokes. That, ladies and gentlemen, is symmetrical songwriting.
titsnazzshakr asks: I've been hearing rumors that there's tension within the band, specifically between you and the wifey. Is it true? Is she divorcing you?
Cairo answers: As I type these words I am clearing my throat. Certain people in positions of power and influence within the corporate media establishment have made it their aim in life to tear down people who are happy and successful. Suenaga and I are inseparable. We are soulmates. She's had a million and one opportunities to leave me and pursue a solo career, yet here we stand united as one. We perfectly compliment each other as lovers, friends and musicians. Why would there be tension? Because we spend every waking minute of every day together? Don't be ridiculous. Our tension gets released every night during intercourse.
jennyfromtheblock asks: Is it true that you have a drinking problem and refuse to enter rehab?
Cairo answers: Once again it appears that rumor and conjecture are masquerading as fact. I drink as human beings drink. My alcohol intake is moderate and alternately social and medicinal in nature. If I am feeling under the weather I drink gin. If I am feeling horny I also drink gin. If I am feeling overworked I drink brandy. During holidays, birthdays and anniversaries I enjoy spiced rum. Is this criminal? Hardly. Is this reckless or self-destructive? Far from it. I am in control of my drinking, my drinking is not in control of me.
SimpleSimon asks: I've been to a couple of your concerts and I'm confused about something. I heard drums but I didn't see a drummer. What's up with that? Does he prefer to play offstage?
Cairo answers: We employ the services of a synthesized drum machine known as Drumkit from Hell. DFH is a rather compact fellow who fits snugly into my laptop case during travel, so I'm not surprised that you missed him during the shows. Despite his diminutive stature, DFH is truly a beast behind the kit. His previous credits include Meshuggah's "Catch Thirtythree" and Devin Townsend's "Ziltoid the Omniscient", as well as work for Neil Sedaka and The Moody Blues.
HoochieMama asks: What are your thoughts on popular video games such as Guitar Hero and Rock Band that allow gamers to simulate the rock and roll experience?
Cairo answers: I think those games are pure horseshit. Why would anyone want to pretend to be a rock and roll star instead of actually doing it? Buy a guitar from your local pawnshop, practice playing it for 8-12 hours a day for the next 2 years while recording your progress via YouTube vlogs, and then post a "Band Members Wanted" ad on Craigslist. Those are the first steps to becoming a rock and roll star. Forget your little fantasy games and join the real world, my friend.
cybernerd336 asks: What is your favorite sexual act?
Cairo answers: Excellent question and very pertinent to my work as a recording artist! Sue recently turned me onto something called "prostate milking". I was skeptical at first because I don't like to have anything inserted into my bum that isn't toilet paper or a washcloth, but Sue assured me that it wouldn't hurt and that I would love it. Am I ever glad that I trusted her! I don't want to get into all of the sordid details, but Sue milked me better than I've ever been milked that night and she's been milking me every night since!
Of course I enjoy many other time-tested favorites such as face-sitting, foot worship, CBT and orgasm denial, golden showers, tie-up games, grappling, latex, and fucking her doggystyle in my '74 Eldorado while she's wearing a cheerleader outfit.
KewlDewd asks: When the fuck are you lazy fucks going to release an album?!
Cairo answers: I appreciate your enthusiasm but if you used that language in my presence I would throttle you with Muay Thai knees to the cranium and then Judo toss you to the ground in a bloody, unconscious heap. Sue and I will commence work on our debut album (consisting of entirely new and unreleased material) in the Spring. We have some rough ideas that we've been working on, outlines of songs and some lyrics, but nothing has been finalized. One thing that I can say for sure is that we will continue to explore new musical territory without sacrificing the quality and cohesion that has come to distinguish The Crust's recorded output to date.
Once again, thank you to all of the Crustaceans who submitted questions! Now if you'll excuse me it's late and I'm tired of staring at the computer screen. I'm going to climb into bed with the wifey. Peace!
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