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as seen on tv.....
minor celebrity, erich hess has found himself square in the sights of the people for the ethical treatment of animals following yesterday's incident.details are sketchy,but it seems mr hess doesn't take kindly to chimps throwing feces at him.witnesses claim that erich hess became enraged when a chimpanzee at a local zoo lobbed a handful of fecal matter at him.the singer then proceeded to drop his trousers,and then hurled his own "ammunition" at the terrified primates.(for those concerned about the chimp's safety,he missed.)hess was forcibly removed from the area and now faces a plethora of charges.including:indecent exposure,cruelty to animals,drunk and disorderly conduct,resisting arrest,and assaulting an officer.
apparently the musician stands by his actions.he claimed "i live by a code:dont start any shit and there wont be any. it's obvious the monkey started the ....unpleasantness. i was only defending myself in a way the monkey could understand.you can yell at a monkey until you're blue in the balls,he wont give a shit.but throw doo at him? you'll earn his respect and establish yourself as the alpha male."it is of note that erich's theory is not supported by any experts we spoke with.throwing feces at a monkey will only result in a never ending contest of one upmanship.so it is not recommended anyone try this. hess later claimed "i shoulda nailed that little bastard.i didnt have a chance to test the wind direction since my hands were dirty.*puts his pointer finger in his mouth,then holds it up in the air.*with a headwind like this,i shoulda thrown a little harder.and more to the left." |
  "I'm not saying its even a good thing to own a chimpanzee. But that's freedom, folks." Alex Jones. |
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{Bobby is speaking to reporters at a press conference.} Bobby: I was out of my office the last few days or I would have dealt with this matter sooner. Nevertheless I have jumped into action like only Bobby Cairo can: I have hired an internationally acclaimed attorney who will provide Erich with the impregnable legal defense that he so justly deserves in the wake of these reckless, slanderous and baseless claims by the prosecution. I believe you all know this gentleman standing to my right.  Bobby: Well actually he died but this is his identical twin brother...uh, Jimmie Cochran. Yeah that works. Anyway, Erich Hess will be vindicated! You can all rest assured of that. In an entirely unrelated matter, I regret to inform you that the chimpanzee in question has been destroyed. He was actually abducted from the zoo by, uh...chefs from a Mongolian restaurant. Yeah that works. Those Mongolians...they, uh...they love their chimpanzee brains. {Bobby looks at Jimmie and smiles.} Bobby: I guess that poor little chimpanzee won't be testifying at anybody's trial now, will he? {Bobby and Jimmie share a chuckle.} Jimmie: You got that right, Bobby!
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OOC: Jimmie Cochran huh? This can only get more outrageous has it goes on so I'll be watching it. |
I feel numb, born with a weak heart
I guess I must be having fun EARN BY WORKING LIKE A DOG
SPEND LIKE ROYALTY |
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Taylor: May I just chime in for everybody's sake and say who the fuck cares?
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Taylr wrote:Taylor: May I just chime in for everybody's sake and say who the fuck cares? Kaethe : Oh, feel free, because everyone only cares about themselves in this industry. True that. It's a more interesting story than most of the crap going now, so don't claim that you're 'everybody' when you're one person, ja? |
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Rank: Advanced Member
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Taylor: Didn't say I was everybody. I said I was saying it for everybody.
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Taylr wrote:Taylor: May I just chime in for everybody's sake and say who the fuck cares? Taylr wrote:Taylor: Didn't say I was everybody. I said I was saying it for everybody. Bobby: You may chime in with anything that you please, but you shouldn't purport to speak for anyone other than yourself. That's rather, um...arrogant, egotistical, douchey. Not that I'm judging you, but you do sound like an arrogant, egotistical douche. Edited by user 20 December 2010 09:42:32(UTC)
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