Released: October 16, 2020
Recorded: 2020
Studio: Oro y Plata studio (Bozeman, Montana)
Genre: Folk, electronic
Length: 5:12
Label: Studio 60 Records
Songwriter(s): Ryan Ross Hernandez
Producer(s): Ryan Ross Hernandez
"Darkness in the Light / Light in the Darkness" is a song recorded by American singer-songwriter Ryan Ross Hernandez, released on October 16, 2020, through Studio 60 Records. It is the second song Hernandez has released in 2020 and just a month after the official release of "In Hate We Trust, USA". The release conceded with Hernandez's forty-third birthday. Proceeds from the song will go towards the National Breast Cancer Foundation, in honor of Hernandez's late mother, Maria Rosa Hernandez, who passed away from breast cancer in early 2017. The artwork features a black and white picture of Hernandez from 2005 taken by his mother backstage at one of his concerts, the photograph serving as some inspiration for the the idea of darkness and light explored in the track. Upon release, "Darkness in the Light / Light in the Darkness" received positive reviews from music critics, many praising the latest bold move sonically that Hernandez has made, along with his unfiltered songwriting approach. Some critics believe that the musician has shifted courses for the next chapter of his storied career, no longer using his romantic relationships as inspiration or writing songs that can be speculated to be about an ex, after his previous single "In Hate We Trust, USA" served as a protest song for social justice.
Background and composition"Darkness in the Light / Light in the Darkness" is an understated cinematic track, the first half built around a gentle acoustic guitar and layered vocals, while the second part takes a more upbeat turn with an electronic keyboard playing through the remainder of the song. Hernandez sings in a mostly hushed tone, at certain points his delivery getting shaky. It does not follow a typical song structure with no chorus, instead serving more as a stream of consciousness. Lyrically, through the song it is revealed to be inspired by the death of Maria Rosa Hernandez, Ryan's late mother who passed out in 2017, a fact that was not known to the public prior to the release. "Darkness in the Light" takes the listener through the heartache, grief, and regrets of a loved one passing away. The final stance of the first section questions the existence of an afterlife and apologies for an attempted suicide if his mother could have seen it. "Light in the Darkness" bounces between the two ideas of darkness and light, trying to find which outweighs the other in the long run. Ultimately, while still carrying some reservations, the narrator decides against giving up on himself, with an eye towards the positive that can come in the future.
Darkness in the Light / Light in the DarknessThe day of your funeral, the rain it did not stop
My hair and suit were drenched as I collapsed to my knees
I couldn’t stop the tears from flowing out of me
I watched your body being buried in the ground
You would just decay away there
And I’m suppose to keep on living
I questioned what’s the point of anything in this world while we’re alive
We’re breathing and living day to day
Until one day it all stops and we vanish away into nothing
I kept your phone and I still pay the bill
‘Cause somehow I think you’d still use it to call me someday
The years since you’ve left they’ve been pretty tough
I haven’t been doing too well for myself
You never liked it when I drank too much
Now I do it every day just to try and forget that you no longer exist
I’m sorry for being a disappointment to you
I never visited you enough
I only called you when I remembered
I bought you that house you always wanted but I forgot that I left you alone in it
I don’t have the guts to sell it
I don’t want to give your things away ‘cause it’s not my right to do so
It should have been yours
It should have been yours
You were stronger than you ever gave yourself credit for
I know you shed so many tears for so many years
Yeah, I probably got my depression from you
But it’s given me a living for the last twenty years
And in darkness I never feel alone because the shadows are always here
You did the best you could as a single mother
Did I ever thank you for that?
Have I always been so selfish and caught up in my own problems?
My memories get more blurry as the minutes pass by
Now that you’re dead, I have no family
Lying on your death bed, you looked at me and smiled
A few tears rolled down your eyes
You knew the end was near
I held your hand as I tried not to break down
And after a night of no sleep, seeing your soul slowly leave your body
You were dead by 6:33 am on a Thursday morning
And I screamed
"Fuck cancer, fuck the world, and fuck everything"
Now that you're gone I'm all alone
All the regrets I have
All the grief I carry
I try to drown them in a river of liquor
That would not have solved anything
But at least you wouldn’t have to see your only child buried before he even hit forty
I don’t believe in heaven
I don’t think that you’re watching over me
But if somehow you can I’m sorry you had to see the suicide attempt
I’m sorry you had to see me on suicide watch
Don’t you give up on this world so easily
There’s so much you still have to experience
Marrying someone who fills the gaps in your heart and you grow old with
The birth of your children and raising them to be good people
For every shed of darkness on Earth, there’s some light cracking at the seams
You should give up on me
There’s a good reason why I’m in my forties and single you see
I carry so many demons on my back
They’re all trying to drown me in self-loathing
Happiness is something you need
But what if I can never find it?
What if the darkness carries more power in this world than the light ever can?
Don’t you give up on me
I’m not perfect by any means but at least I’m trying to get better
I’ve cut down on drinking and empty sex with strangers
It hurts that you won’t be by my side at my wedding
And that my kids will never meet their grandmother
But I’m trying to become someone you would have been proud of
I’m learning how to become a light in someone else’s life
I wanna be a light in someone else’s life
Just as you were for me, mom
Credits and personnelRyan Ross Hernandez - vocals, acoustic guitar, keyboard, songwriter, producer
Autumn Webster - backing vocals
Christopher Draper - engineer, mixer
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