Starring...
Bobby Cairo
Suenaga Birch
And...
Sandra Bernhard{Sandra Bernhard, the actress and comedienne, is walking down a hotel corridor. Sandra isn't known for her looks but she looks good right now. She's wearing enough makeup to account for her natural shortcomings, but not enough to push her into whore territory. Her hair looks good too, as if she recently had an appointment with a professional stylist. She's wearing a black overcoat, an elegant red gown with a bustline that accentuates her generous cleavage, and red strappy high heels that match her gown. She's also carrying a matching red handbag. She continues walking down the hallway until she stops in front of a door marked with the number 26 in gold fixtures. Sandra extends her dainty hand and knocks on the door. After a few moments the door opens. Bobby Cairo, vocalist and guitarist of experimetal juggernauts Thick Chewy Crust appears in the doorway. He's wearing a white button-up shirt, black slacks and black socks, no shoes.}
Bobby: Sandra! We've been expecting you. Please, come in!
{Bobby ushers Sandra into the spacious and luxurious hotel suite.}
Sandra: You guys travel in style, that's for sure.
Bobby: What can I say? Sue and I appreciate the finer things in life. I know that you're no stranger to that.
{Bobby looks Sandra up and down.}
Bobby: Wow, you look better than I've ever seen you, Sandy! Don't tell me you got all dressed up for this little interview with your pals Bobby and Sue?
{Sandra laughs as she follows Bobby into the lounge area.}
Sandra: Actually I just came from a shoot, but I did want to look good for you guys.
{Sandra winks at Suenaga Birch, Bobby's beautiful raven-haired wife and musical partner. Suenaga smiles as soon as she sees Sandra and stands up from the cream-colored leather sofa where she had been reclining. Suenaga is wearing a stylish black dress and is barefoot. She walks over to Sandra. The ladies share a hug and exchange friendly pecks on the cheek.}
Suenaga: It's good to see you again. I've missed you so much!
Sandra: I've missed you too, girlfriend. You look fabulous!
Suenaga: You look divine!
Bobby: Ok, that's enough. Break it up, you two!
{The three friends share a laugh.}
Bobby: Sandy, please, make yourself at home. I'll take your coat. Would you like anything to drink?
{Sandra takes a seat in a cream-colored leather chair adjacent to the sofa.}
Sandra: Lobster Schnapps on the rocks, please.
{Bobby tends to the bar while Suenaga returns to her reclined position on the sofa.}
Bobby: Another Mojito for you, Sue?
Suenaga: That would be wonderful, Bobby. Thank you.
Bobby: And another Captain and Coke for me.
{Bobby places the drinks onto a tray and carries them over to the lounge area.}
Bobby: Here you go, ladies.
Sandra: Thank you, darling.
Suenaga: You're such a gentleman, Bobby.
Bobby: Maybe I am. Or maybe I get off on being subservient to beautiful women.
{Sandra and Suenaga laugh.}
Suenaga: Well
I know how you enjoy that.
{Suenaga and Bobby exchange knowing, lustful glances. Suenaga lifts her feet so that Bobby can take a seat on the sofa and them plops them down on his lap. Sandra, Suenaga and Bobby smile and enjoy their drinks.}
Sandra: This is nice, you guys. I don't mean to ruin the mood, but do you think we should get started on the interview?
Bobby: Oh sure, absolutely
Sandra: We can keep this plenty casual. I just want to ask you some basic questions.
Bobby: I can't speak for Sue, but you have my permission to scour my soul, dear Sandy.
Suenaga: You also have my permission to scour Bobby's soul.
{Sandra reaches into her handbag and pulls out a notebook, a pen and a tape recorder. She sets the tape recorder on the marble coffee table in front of her and hits the "Record" button.}
Sandra: First of all I want to congratulate you guys on releasing your debut album
The Non-Linear Broadcast. It's been out for a few months now and people really seem to love it. It's so diverse and unique. A real breath of fresh air. I mean it doesn't sound like anything else that's out there right now. How would you describe the sound on this album?
Bobby: I would describe The Non-Linear Broadcast as the initial release of energy from an obscure section of earth distinguished by its thick chewy crust.
{Sandra and Suenaga exchange puzzled glances and then stare at Bobby.}
Bobby: I'm sorry. Captain really gets to my brain after I've had a few. This album is mystical. It's majestic. Sue and I took everything that we love and tossed it into a cauldron. With the proper amount of seasoning we were able to create a hedonistic jambalaya of doom metal, stoner rock, dream pop, blues, soul and jazz. I don't know exactly how we pulled it off, but I credit my beautiful and brilliant wife.
{Bobby leans over and he and Suenaga kiss on the lips.}
Suenaga: You're such a gentleman, Bobby. I'm very proud of our album. The compositions are strong. For me they evoke a sense of power and wonderment when I listen to them and perform them. I don't say that to sound egotistical. I really do hold myself to a very high standard when I write and perform, and these songs passed the test for me.
Sandra: Were you influenced by anyone in particular while you were writing and recording the album?
Suenaga: Oh, sure. I love Björk, Peter Gabriel, Kate Bush, Nick Drake, Fiona Apple and anything that Karin Dreijer Andersson, of The Knife and Fever Ray fame, does. They've each had a tremendous influence on me as a songwriter, musician and performer.
Sandra: How about you, Bobby?
{Bobby loads some marijuana into a corncob pipe.}
Bobby: I'm into the heavier side of things, musically. I love old school metal and punk. Tom G. Warrior from Celtic Frost and Triptykon is my single biggest influence. I'm also into some stuff that you might not expect like Bat For Lashes.
{Suenaga playfully slaps Bobby on the arm.}
Suenaga: Get out! I love her, haha.
Bobby: I know you do, babe. I know you do, but you didn't mention her.
Sandra: How does performing songs in the studio while you're recording them compare to playing them live?
Suenaga: The recording process can be a bit nerve-racking and tedious. We try to get the songs done in as few takes as possible, but in truth Bobby and I are both perfectionists. Performing live is truly a liberating experience for the mind, body and soul. It allows us to connect to the audience, to feed off of their energy, and bear our soul to them.
Bobby: It's a powerful feeling, performing live. There's an electricity in the air that you just can't get when you're recording by yourself in a studio. Conversely, if the crowd is dead then that kills the show but we really haven't encountered that. That's actually one of the reasons why we've turned down opportunities to open for bigger acts because we want to find our own audience. If someone like Tool or Björk asked us to open for them then I think we would jump on that in a heartbeat because of the compatibility between us, but we wouldn't fit in too well with your average rock or metal audience. God, I sound snooty, don't I?
Suenaga: A little bit, but it suits you.
Bobby: You're so cute when you're demeaning me.
Sandra: Speaking of the live arena, you guys have a unique stage show. Very theatrical and performance art oriented.
Bobby: Credit my wife for that. She likes to wear elaborate stage costumes that make Sir Elton John’s garb appear modest in comparison. I prefer to keep things traditional with black sunglasses, a leather jacket and jeans.
Suenaga: Don't forget the gold boots.
Bobby: Ok, well...that's my lone indulgence.
Suenaga: And what a peculiar indulgence it is.
Bobby: At least I don't prance around stage like some weirdo kabuki actress.
Suenaga: Don't pretend that it doesn't turn you on!
Bobby: That's neither here nor there, madam.
{Bobby looks down sheepishly.}
Bobby: And don't pretend that my leather jacket and shades don't turn you on.
{Sandra smirks as she glances down at her notes.}
Sandra: You guys haven't done many interviews. I can't imagine why?
Bobby: This is actually our first official press interview. We're popping our cherry with you, Sandy.
{Suenaga giggles.}
Suenaga: You're so kinky, Bobby.
Bobby: The truth is that we've stayed away from conventional media outlets because we feel that we've been unfairly portrayed by the media.
Suenaga: The mainstream press doesn't appreciate the artistry and pageantry that we bring to the stage. We're a spectacle. We enjoy being a spectacle. We thrive in the spotlight and we do things our own way. That doesn't mean that my husband is a "charismatic cult leader with a suitcase full of hand grenades", as he was described by the New York Times.
Bobby: Exactly! Thank you, sweet Suenaga. I am most certainly charismatic and I do carry a suitcase full of hand grenades with me at all times for protection, but I am not a cult leader. That's just ridiculous. And while we're on the subject my wife is not a "raging nymphomaniac and glorified community theater performer with control issues", as she was described by Fox News. I swear if I could sneak into their studios with a hand grenade--
Suenaga: Thank you, Bobby. That's enough.
Bobby: Oh, right. That could be perceived as a death threat. Oh well...artistic license and all that jazz.
{Sandra clears her throat.}
Sandra: In addition to your new album you recently released a single which has been very successful, reaching the top 40 charts in many countries. The subject matter is rather, um...abstract, shall we say?
Bobby: Right. You're obviously referring to our brand new hit single "Joss Stone's Toes Look Like Skittles (And I Will Taste The Rainbow)"?
Sandra: That's the one.
Suenaga: Ugh. I hate that song so much.
Bobby: Suenaga had some reservations about recording that particular track. Obviously it would be awkward for any woman to hear her husband singing about another woman's toes, but Sue is a true artist and after extensive prodding and explanation on my part I believe that she shared my artistic vision.
Suenaga: I most certainly did not!
Bobby: I was inspired to write "Joss Stone's Toes" after a dream that I had, a beautiful dream that I had after demolishing a bottle of Bombay Sapphire one night in the studio. Normally I'm a sucker for big, American guitar sounds with a distorted, metallic crunch, but when that vision of Joss Stone's beautiful rainbow colored toes entered my mind I couldn't help but be carried away by the beautiful, soulful melody that they inspired. My soul had been put at ease and my mind became a sea of tranquility.
{Bobby smiles as he drifts into a sort of trance. Suenaga frowns. She shakes Bobby's arm, snapping him from his trance.}
Suenaga: That's quite enough fawning over Ms. Stone's toes!
{Bobby sighs.}
Bobby: That's exactly what she said in the studio that night.
Suenaga: And just like that night, you're going to be sleeping by yourself on the couch!
{Suenaga withdraws her feet from Bobby's lap and sits upright on the sofa.}
Sandra: I'm sorry, you guys. I didn't mean to cause a fight. I was just asking a question.
Bobby: No need to apologize, Sandra. This is the burden that all artists that are ahead of their time carry with them. It was no different for Sly Stone.
Sandra: Sly Stone had a foot fetish?
Bobby: Hmmm...that's a good question. I have no idea, but he was an artist who was ahead of his time and he had his share of problems, that's for sure.
{Sandra wipes a booger from her eye as she gazes down at her notes.}
Sandra: Moving right along, you guys have never been shy about expressing your political views in your songs, but you upped the ante with a track from your album called "Deconstructing The Obama Throne". I mean you didn't pull any punches, you went right after the President.
{Cairo raises his hand.}
Bobby: That would be me. I'm the guilty party. Sue is a very sophisticated lady with many thoughts and opinions on the issues of the day, but I'm the one who writes the political songs in this band.
Suenaga: I honestly can't get him to shut up about politics once he gets started. I swear, he drives me up the walls sometimes.
Bobby: I can't help it. I'm a libertarian purist. As far as "Deconstructing The Obama Throne" is concerned, I think it's a pretty damn accurate assessment of the president and his policies. I think he's been a disaster. He preached about change during his campaign for the presidency but he's continued down the path that rightfully earned his predecessor widespread condemnation. I'm talking about deficit spending, market manipulation, government intrusion into our wallets and our personal lives and military aggression abroad The Obama myth has been shattered, but the truly fucked up part about it is that we keeping bouncing back and forth between these two corrupt major parties, the Republicans and Democrats, instead of going the third party route.
{Bobby takes a deep breath.}
Bobby: Don't get me started on the fucking Tea Party. The Tea Party is 99% neocon and maybe 1% traditional conservatives and libertarians who are too stupid to realize what the Tea Party is really all about. The fucking Tea Party will cut your Social Security benefits and cut funding for Medicare and public education while they spend billions dropping bombs on third world countries. That's the fucking Tea Party. And fucking Obama is gonna get in bed with them. You mark my words. He's a fucking rat and a chicken shit coward.
Suenaga: But tell us how you really feel?
Bobby: No, that was it.
Sandra: There's another song that I wanted to ask you about, my personal favorite on the album, it's called "Thicker Than Soup (And You Can Have It On A Rope)".
Bobby: That song is about laying pipe, plain and simple.
{Suenaga smiles and snuggles up close to Bobby. He wraps his arm around her.}
Suenaga: I love you, Bobby.
Bobby: I love you too, Sue.
{They smile and rub noses.}
Bobby: That song is also Suenaga's favorite.
Sandra: Do you guys want me to leave you alone since you're, ahem, getting along again?
Bobby: Oh well, uh...do you have enough for your interview? I mean I don't want to throw you out or anything, even though--
Sandra: Actually I did want to get in a question about your record label, Bee's Knees Industries.
Bobby: No problem.
Sandra: How would you assess the challenges of running a record label in an ever-changing and exceedingly competitive marketplace during a period of economic downturn?
Bobby: These are turbulent times for any business but Bee's Knees is adapting to meet the needs of the consumer. Quite simply, we aim to give the people what they want. We release all Bee's Knees recordings in multiple formats including vinyl, CD and digital download. We offer discounts to all regular customers, redeemable for music and merchandise purchases, and even concert tickets. We're very active in the mail-order market. It's not a huge market but those folks are our most loyal customers. They are the die-hards that keep independent labels in business and we want to keep them happy.
Suenaga: Ahem...
{Suenaga begins massaging Bobby's neck and shoulders with her hands. Bobby's body instantly turns to Jell-O.}
Bobby: Oh god that feels good... what was I saying? Oh yeah... ooooooooh that's nice... I believe that talent development is very important... oooooooooh... as well.
{Suenaga ceases massaging Bobby, allowing him to straighten up on the sofa and compose himself.}
Bobby: Uh, where was I? Oh right, Thick Chewy Crust is not the only band signed to Bee's Knees Industries. No, we're actually one of four bands. There's also Atomic War Bride, the unquestioned leaders in the field of psychobilly. Erich Hess and Karoliena Verlinden are two of the finest human beings that have ever lived. I would take a bullet for them. I'm not joking, I would. Erich has also done a bang-up job as Vice President of Bee's Knees. Erich has been fast to act and he's been forward-thinking and decisive in his decision-making. That's why I hired him. He's a brilliant man. We also have in our ranks The Harlots and for my money they're the modern day queens of punk rock. No doubt about it.
{Bobby wags his index finger at Sandra.}
Bobby: And the absolute crown jewel of the Bee's Knees empire is Ms. Violet Summers. The woman is cute as a button, with sex appeal to boot, and she has the voice of an angel. That's a combination that cannot be defeated. The woman is indefatigable. And nobody is writing better songs than her right now. Violet Summers is not a superstar in the making... she's already a motherfucking superstar!
{Sandra scribbles something down on her notepad and picks up her tape recorder from the table.}
Sandra: Excellent. That's everything that I need. Thank you guys so much for having me. This has been a lot of fun.
{Sandra, Bobby and Suenaga rise to their feet. Sandra hugs Bobby and then Suenaga.}
Suenaga: Thank you for coming. We should definitely do this again the next time that we're in LA.
Bobby: Absolutely. By the way, Sandy, don't forget to mention that we're currently touring North America and tickets are still available for some shows but they're limited.
Sandra: No problem. I'll be sure to mention it.
Bobby: Because I forgot to mention it until just now and it's very important.
Sandra: I know. Don't worry, Bobby. I'll mention it.
Bobby: Also, Sue and I are going to be recording a cover of The Cure's "Burn" for a Cure tribute album that our friend is putting together.
{Suenaga slaps Bobby on the shoulder.}
Bobby: What?
Suenaga: Bobby, he told us not to say anything about it. It's not official yet.
Bobby: Oh shit...you're right. Well, if nothing else this will create a nice buzz for it. Sandra, I'll go fetch your coat, ok? I'll be right back.
{Bobby walks away.}
Sandra: Don't worry, Sue. I won't mention it.
Suenaga: Thank you, Sandy.
Sandra: Don't mention it.
{Sandra smiles at Suenaga. Bobby returns with Sandra's coat.}
Bobby: Here you go, Sandy.
{Bobby helps Sandra into her coat.}
Sandra: Thank you, Bobby. Ok, I'm going to leave you two lovebirds alone now. Have fun!
{Bobby and Suenaga smile and wave at Sandra as she swiftly exits the suite. Suenaga turns to Bobby, a seductive look on her face.}
Suenaga: Bed...NOW!
Bobby: Yes, ma'am!
Edited by user 16 November 2010 20:21:03(UTC)
| Reason: Not specified
