Starring...
Bobby Cairo
Suenaga Birch
Norma Vondu(The scene opens with a beautiful raven-haired woman staring into a television camera.)
Woman: Hello, everyone! This is Norma Vondu, your host for Artist Spotlight here on TheCoolTV! I'm here with Bobby Cairo and Suenaga Birch from Thick Chewy Crust!
(The camera zooms out, revealing that Norma is seated next to Bobby and Suenaga on a cream-colored leather sofa.)
Norma: I want to thank you guys for joining me, or should I say letting me join you here in your hotel suite. I know that you don't grant many interviews to media types like me.
Suenaga: That's true. We're normally private people outside of our work, but my husband and I are big fans of TheCoolTV. There aren't too many networks left that actually focus on promoting music and we really appreciate the work that you're doing.
Norma: Thank you very much, Suenaga. That's very kind of you to say. We like to think that we're providing an open platform for artists to express themselves, rather than selling our souls to Corporate America like our competitors who shall remain nameless.
Bobby: I share Suenaga's sentiments, but to be honest the clincher for me was when they emailed me your headshot. You got it going on, girl!
Suenaga: Bobby!
(Suenaga thwacks Bobby in the back of his head with an open-palm strike.)
Bobby: Owww!
Norma: I'm very flattered, Bobby, but perhaps we should get on with the interview?
(Bobby gingerly rubs the feeling back into his noggin.)
Suenaga: Yes...let's.
Norma: First of all I want to congratulate the two of you on the success of your new album. "Workaday Blues/Metropolis Of Tits" has already sold more than 1.6 million copies, in addition to receiving rave reviews. I have to say that it's one of my personal favorites.
Suenaga: Thank you, Norma. We put a lot of hard work into that album and it's absolutely gratifying to receive that kind of unanimously positive reaction from both the fans and the critics.
Bobby: I don't know if the reaction was unanimously positive, Sue.
Suenaga: Oh?
Bobby: There was this one douche named Taylor who bashed the album and then claimed that nobody cares about us.
Suenaga: He sounds like a douche.
Bobby: Yeah, he is...a major douche.
(Norma lets out a beautiful and mellifluous laugh.)
Norma: He sounds like a jealous douche to me! I think the entire music world cares about what you two are doing. Not only is your new album a huge hit, but you're playing another sold out show tonight here in Baltimore, the latest stop on your "Monster Boners" world tour.
Bobby: I cannot argue with your wisdom, beautiful interviewer lady.
Norma: My name is Norma.
Bobby: Of course it is, darling.
Norma: How is the tour going so far?
Bobby: It's a gas, Norma, and personally I couldn't be more thrilled than to be here in Baltimore, the crown jewel of the Mid-Atlantic. For my money you won't find better crab cakes anywhere else along the eastern seaboard.
(Suenaga pats Bobby's protruding belly with her hand.)
Suenaga: I think you need to cut back on the crab cakes there, Bobby.
Bobby: Hey, don't blame that on the crab, baby. I've haven't had time to hit the gym since we've been on the road.
(Suenaga rolls her eyes.)
Suenaga: You haven't "hit the gym" in ages, Bobby.
(Bobby glares at Sue.)
Norma: Ok, why don't we get back to the album? Or we could talk some more about the tour if--
Bobby: No, no, it's ok, Norma. Sue is venting her frustrations and that's fine. I have become a bit of a fat slob. I've disappointed her and that's unacceptable. Listen...why don't we take our minds off of this unpleasantness with a drinky poo? I'm sure that Sue would like a Mojito. I'll have a Captain and Coke. How about you, Norma?
Norma: I really don't think it would be appropriate for me to drink while I'm interviewing--
Bobby: Don't be silly, Norma. Some of the best orgasms that I've ever had started off with a drink.
Norma: Since you put it that way - I'll have a Scotch...withhold the rocks.
Bobby: Good girl.
(Bobby stands up and walks over to the wet bar to fix drinks for the group.)
Norma: This is really some hotel room. You even have your own wet bar?
Suenaga: Yeah, well the label pays for it.
Norma: Doesn't Bobby run the label?
Suenaga: Exactly. He found a tax loophole...all of this can be written off as a business expense.
Norma: Wow. I guess I got into the wrong business.
Suenaga: You're not content doing TV work?
(Bobby mixes the drinks together at the bar while humming to himself.)
Norma: Don't get me wrong, TV is fun but...it was always my passion to be an actual musician. I used to sing and play guitar for hours every day when I was a teenager. I was even in a band for a little while.
Suenaga: Why did you stop?
Norma: I guess I gave up on it when I started going to college. Things got too hectic and now it just seems like a pipe dream.
(Bobby walks over to the couch with a tray of drinks in his hand.)
Bobby: Ladies...drinks?
(Suenaga and Norma take their drinks and Bobby sits down with his.)
Suenaga: It's never too late to follow your dreams, Norma. That's what our music should tell you, if nothing else. We make music that less than 1% of the world's population can truly understand, and even fewer can conceive of.
Norma: I guess that's true. Maybe I'll start playing again...but we really should get back to talking about you guys. Your latest single "Give Up The Cooch" has proven to be a big hit. It's also a very unusual song. The music is melodic, soothing, even enchanting, pop in its purest form, yet the lyrics are as sexually explicit as any gangsta rap song. Can you tell me what inspired you to write that song?
(Suenaga is too busy guzzling down her Mojito to respond.)
Bobby: Oh, don't ask me, Norma. I didn't write that one. No, ma'am. That was the brainchild of Ms. Suenaga here.
(Bobby pats Suenaga on her shoulder. Suenaga empties out her glass and ever so gracefully places it down onto the coffee table in front of her.)
Suenaga: "Give Up The Cooch" is one of my proudest pieces. It was inspired by the work of Peaches, a brilliant Canadian songstress and a diva in the truest sense of the word, unlike that cunt Gaga. The lyrics talk about the decision that a woman has to make before she can spread her legs for a man, all of the factors that she must take into account. "Will he be there for me when it's over or will he crawl out the window as soon as he thinks I've fallen asleep?" "What if he slides one past the goalpost and I end up with a bun in the oven? Am I ready for that...with him? Is he ready for it?" And the big one: "Will he go down on me if I ask him to?"
Norma: That is heavy, heavy stuff, Suenaga. I think that every woman can relate to that dilemma, unless she's a nun.
Bobby: I'm very proud of that song myself. I didn't write it but I did perform on it and of course my wife did write it. I feel as though we're really helping people with a song like that, women people in particular though men can learn a lot from it too. I'm not normally one who deals with feminine issues, though I support freedom and liberty for all peoples.
(Suenaga scoffs.)
Suenaga: Says the self-proclaimed "free-market capitalist and libertarian".
(Bobby feigns a chuckle as he looks past Suenaga straight at Norma.)
Bobby: You see, my wife is a socialist but we find common ground. We both like it hot and heavy in the bedroom, so that helps. We also support charitable causes and the like.
Norma: That's right, I wanted to ask you about that. You released a Christmas single that was very popular and I'm told that 100% of the proceeds went to charity?
Suenaga: That is correct, Norma. Bobby wrote a song called "Have Yourself A Marijuana Christmas". We recorded it just in time for a holiday release. The proceeds were split 50-50. Half went to my favorite charity, the St. Jude Children's Research Hospital, and the other half went to Bobby's pet marijuana legalization groups.
Bobby: Both of those causes are near and dear to our hearts--
Suenaga: I couldn't give a damn about you and your pot smoking buddies, Bobby! I only did it for the children.
Bobby: Nevertheless we donated more than one million doubloons to each of those wonderful causes.
(Norma raises her eyebrow at Bobby as she polishes off the last remnants of her scotch.)
Norma: I'm sorry...you said "doubloons"?
Bobby: Yes. I do all of my business transactions in doubloons because they're backed by gold. Hell they are gold! I don't trust paper currency.
Norma: I see. Well that was very generous of you and Suenaga to do that for the children...and the stoners.
Bobby: I can't help it, Norma. I have a Bob Geldof complex. I'm simply compelled to use my status as a minor league celebrity to try to change the world. It's like Faith No More said back in the day: "It's a dirty job but someone's gotta do it."
Norma: I've heard a rumor that you guys are putting together a breast cancer benefit?
Bobby: Yes, ma'am. That was my idea. Nothing is final yet but I figured that we could raise awareness by demonstrating the proper technique for examining one's breasts. This could breast be achieved by examining young women on an individual basis. Breast exams make the world a safer place, and not only are breast exams safe but they're sexy too. Some of the best orgasms that I've ever had started off with a breast exam.
Suenaga: How many of those Captain and Cokes have you had, Bobby?
Bobby: Counting this one? Let's see...
(Bobby counts using his fingers.)
Bobby: Thirty...thirty-two. Why do you ask?
Suenaga: No reason.
(Suenaga rolls her eyes and lets out a sigh.)
Suenaga: I apologize for him, Norma...I really do.
Norma: Oh, it's no problem. I have brothers so I know what it's like. I have to ask you about something: You guys are known for being globetrotters. You play in countries that most bands would never even think of playing. You've had chart-topping hits in locales as varied as Uganda and Estonia, yet you've never released an album or single in the UK. You've also never toured there. What's up with that?
Suenaga: Well, uh...we've never been able to find a distribution deal in the UK that suits our needs so that makes it impossible to release our material there, and of course it doesn't make sense for us to tour there if our records aren't available to buy.
Bobby: Sue is being polite. I visited the UK, once, as part of a fact-finding expedition ten years ago. Frankly I didn't like the place. The people were obnoxious, the food was horrid and the weather was just...depressing.
Suenaga: I like it there!
Bobby: You like Morrissey too!
Suenaga: Yes! Yes! I like Morrissey! Is that a crime?
Bobby: It should be!
Norma: Bobby! Suenaga! Please! Settle down! You're friends, lovers and bandmates!
Bobby: She's right. What are we doing? I'm sorry, Sue. I love you, you know that. I just...I need to think about this UK thing.
(Suenaga folds her arms and pouts.)
Bobby: God, you're sexy when you do that. OK, I give in. Our next release will be available in the UK and we're adding a UK leg to our "Monster Boners" tour. If I can handle touring the Balkans then I can handle touring that gloomy, gray island.
Suenaga: Yay!
(Suenaga claps her hands excitedly and hugs Bobby.)
Bobby: I can't help it...I'm powerless against this woman's charms.
Norma: I've noticed that, especially in the sound of your latest album. I hope you don't mind my saying that?
Bobby: Of course not. It's obvious to anyone with ears. Why deny it?
Norma: Overall "Workaday Blues" is less abrasive and less politically charged than "The Non-Linear Broadcast", in addition to being more textured and melodic.
Bobby: You're absolutely right. Sue has inspired me to adopt a greater appreciation for the acute subtlety of all things melodic. I still get heavy like a Chevy, but now I'm not just bludgeoning the listener with a wall of noise. I've actually got something to say. Of course my vocals still have that gruff quality to them but that's not changing anytime soon. It's innate. By contrast Sue's vocals hearken the Sirens of ancient Greek mythology. In my experience her voice can turn a flaccid penis into a raging hard-on in 2.2 seconds.
Suenaga: Thank you, darling.
(Suenaga smiles as she snuggles up to Bobby on the couch.)
Norma: Yes, well... moving right along. As I mentioned "Workaday Blues" isn't as politically charged as your first album, but it still has its moments of outspokenness. "Assange In The Machine" pays homage to the embattled Wikileaks founder and "The Old Cooping Routine" critiques America's flawed two-party political system.
(Bobby nods, a serious expression on his face.)
Bobby: It's disgraceful what this government is trying to do to Assange and freedom of speech in general. These professional bureaucrats break the law, use their confidentiality privilege to cover up their crimes and then vilify anyone with the courage to expose them for the criminals that they are. What a perfectly fucked up system we have in this country! As for the Republicans and Democrats, they can both go fuck themselves. I'm a libertarian, and an independent libertarian at that. I vote based on principles, not parties. Hell I even voted for a Green Party candidate once even though he was a left-wing kook, just because I couldn't stomach voting for a Dem or a Republican.
(Suenaga suddenly pulls away from Bobby.)
Suenaga: I like the Green Party!
Bobby: You also like the Socialist Party, darling.
Suenaga: Yeah, that's right! So what?
Bobby: So... so... I love you?
Suenaga: Whatever.
Bobby: Uh...yeah. Anyway, I fully expect our next album to be our most outspoken and ambitious release to date. I'm already formulating song ideas for it, I just need to run them by my unbelievably gorgeous and brilliant wife.
(Bobby winces at Suenaga; she takes pity on him and relents in her icy stare.)
Suenaga: Alright, Bobby...I forgive you.
Norma: You two have an incredibly complex relationship.
Bobby: That's true but we never forget to have fun and enjoy life.
(Bobby and Suenaga turn to each other and smile while holding hands.)
Norma: Alright it's time for the final question, and I'm going to ask this of each of you: What's on your iPod?
Bobby: I don't iPod, Norma. I just...I don't iPod.
Norma: Well then what have you been listening to?
Bobby: First off there's The Prodigy. I always enjoy their tunes. "Invaders Must Die" is one of my favorite albums from the last few years. I'm also digging the latest albums from Killing Joke and The Fall, two of my biggest musical influences. Speaking of which, I'm loving Triptykon's debut album and EP. I gotta love Triptykon, that's my main man Tom G. from Celtic Frost. I also have to say that I'm on the Black Keys bandwagon like everybody else, although I've been listening to them since "The Big Come Up" so I'm not a newbie. I have to give a shout out to a Swedish band called Ghost. I was handed a copy of their debut album "Opus Eponymous" about a week ago and I can't stop listening to it. It's got that vintage 70's doomy rock vibe that I love. Good shit.
Norma: How about you, Sue?
Suenaga: As far as newer releases, I love Brian Eno's latest album "Small Craft On A Milk Sea". I also really love The Social Network soundtrack. Trent Reznor is a genius, but you don't need me to tell you that. I make sure to listen to Fever Ray's self-titled disc at least once a day, and even Bobby is starting to get into it now.
Bobby: It's very good, I have to admit.
Suenaga: I've also been listening to Madonna's "Ray Of Light" album a lot lately.
Norma: Ooh, a blast from the past!
Suenaga: Definitely!
(Norma turns to the camera and smiles.)
Norma: That's all for this edition of Artist Spotlight! I want to thank Bobby Cairo and Suenaga Birch of Thick Chewy Crust for joining me. Best of luck at your show tonight, guys! I'm looking forward to it!
Bobby: Thank you, Norma.
Suenaga: And thank you for having us!
Norma: Normally this is where we would play a music video from the artist that we've interviewed, but The Crust has yet to make any videos!
Bobby: Yeah well...I'm still trying to find a tax loophole that lets me write off the cost of music videos.
Norma: Not a problem. We have a clip of you guys performing live at UC-Berkeley!
Bobby: I remember that show. We were playing in enemy territory that night.
Suenaga: Maybe you were, but I felt right at home.
Bobby: Of course you did, darling...prancing around in your elaborate stage costumes for an audience of leftist fiends.
Suenaga: That is it!
(Suenaga jumps to her feet and stomps away, stopping only to turn around and yell at Bobby.)
Suenaga: I'll see you at the show, Bobby! Aside from that I don't want to see you or hear you until you're ready to act like an adult for once!
(Bobby looks at Norma and shrugs.)
Bobby: I wonder what her problem is? Oh well...I'll just bust out those erotic massage oils that I picked up during our last tour stop in Paris. Then my magic fingers will do the work from there. It's an apology without words!
(Norma's mouth is agape as she stares into the camera.)
Norma: Uhhh......here's Thick Chewy Crust playing us out with "The Coffee's Bad But There's Plenty Of It (Workaday Blues)"! Thanks for watching, everybody, and stay tuned for more music here on TheCoolTV!
Album Details
"Workaday Blues/Metropolis Of Tits" track listing:
1. "Give Up The Cooch"
2. "Metropolis Of Tits"
3. "Why Ya Runnin?"
4. "The Old Cooping Routine"
5. "Assange In The Machine"
6. "The Coffee's Bad But There's Plenty Of It (Workaday Blues)"
7. "Holly Kill A Lot"
8. "Ooooooooooooh The Colors"
9. "Slide It In & Out"
10. "Glutinous Cretins"
Sounds like:
+ Edited by user 23 January 2011 05:19:19(UTC)
| Reason: Corrected a couple of typos
