Well holy hell, isn't it great when you get your own way? Last week we had Chris Walker and tonight we have Erica Hess. Erica, how's things going buddy?
i am doing just dandy, just flew in from japan,and boy my arms are tired. im doing worlds better than the first time we met. get your crusty socks ready,as our first meeting was on a date! ok,put the socks away. nothing happened. nice dinner though. silliness aside,i am so so excited to finally be on your show. its like i finally made it in the world.

First off, ever since the show launched, you've always been pretty much top of the list of guests that fans have voted for to be on the show. You have a lot of popularity and some very passionate fans, what do you make of all of that?

awww. your fans have great taste in hosts and guests. we should totally do an oprah and give them all cars! hot wheels cars will have to do. i dont think either of us are that loaded to be giving away cars. i honestly find it so endearing that people know who i am and actually want to see me. but it also kind of fuels the general laziness of the harlots. it gets easy to sit on your ass when people still mention you in the papers. i like to think we are about a few months away from becoming the new howard hughes. we're taking donations of jars to pee in. we also need a film projector and a copy of john wayne's "the conqueror". hit me up if you have any ebay leads.


You're probably one of the most experienced people around this industry. Do you find it easy to navigate the choppy waters that is the industry and all of the media craziness that goes with that?

thats the nicest way to tell me i'm old. thanks,cara. but to answer your question: good god,no! i feel sorry for these...well,i guess you'd call them kids. the kids starting their careers and they have teams of like 50 people behind them. that is fucking great when you are young and in demand. but once they hit 25? they are yesterdays papers. in the harlots,and by extension, atomic war bride, we did it all ourselves. we were the managers,tour managers,bus drivers,roadies,PR people..etc. you need to know how to do everything to really make it in this business. especially since you arent making the money from record sales like KISS or led zeppelin did. its from touring touring touring! on a personal level,something joe strummer said in some interview struck me: you either become a force or are crushed beneath a force.

I think having spent time with you, it's fair to say you're fun company and as soon as I found out that you'll be joining me on the show. I knew immediately I wanted to get at least one story out of you. Could you indulge me and tell a story from your time in this crazy world of entertainment?

oh a showbiz story? i really couldnt- ok. as a touring band,the harlots will play ANYWHERE. i dont care if it's a kids party with three people total. we will be there if you hire us. so we pull up at the address we are given...and its a suburban house. rare,but we've played house parties and pool parties before. even after we "made it". so we knock on the door and wait.soon this guy answers the door. he doesnt look like a fan of ours. in fact,he looks a lot like a priest. which is weird,but maybe we are being hired for a black mass....nope! it seems there is an acting troupe also called the harlots that do religious skits about abstinence and things like that. he quickly realizes he hired the punk rock band and not the acting troupe. we were the cheaper than the actors! the guy apologizes profusely for not reading the website correctly..but the service starts in like half an hour! and he doesnt have entertainment for these young kids coming in. so we stick around and play our non racy tunes and loads of covers of kids show themes. the harlots do a pretty damned good cover of that song from lazy town. we didnt even take the guys' money. but before you go awwwww, we were tripping balls on acid the entire time. we still keep in touch with that priest. that was probably our most "spinal tap" moment. except for getting lost whenever we play a stadium for like festivals and what not.

It's not all been hi-jinx and hilarity, you perhaps more than most have had your fair share of troubles and tough times. How do you deal with the more trying times that have come your way?

horribly and with lots of self medicating! *laughs* really it comes down to having really good people in my life. if i was religious,i would say i am blessed to know the people i do. i have the friends who always have my back,right or wrong. then i have best friends like honor wynter. shes the kind of friend everyone needs. the friend who will smack you and call you a dumb ass. one thing i did learn is :while some things are truly beyond your control. a lot of things fall within your sphere of influence.

So let's talk a little about your career. There's a lot of respect out there for your work with The Harlots, what does the future hold for you musically?

a release,i promise! i am surprised studio60 hasnt sent agents to see if we are indeed still alive. for the harlots,we are really looking to do a landmark album. ive always been into dead kennedys. would they have been so great if it wasnt for the reagan era? i dont think so. sure they were talented and witty. but i think wit needs something to feed off of. i think the harlots have our reagan in donald trump. i dont know how were are going to do a political album without becoming preachy and dry. but thats certainly where i want to take the harlots. i make up some crazy shit,but lets face it....the reality of america is something even i couldnt come up with.
im also wanting to finally get "the nagasaki sisters" off the ground. it's basically myself,mariko,and karoliena summers ripping off the andrews sisters. we'll do covers of peoples' songs and just have a lot of fun.

You're highly talented and highly likeable, transitioning into acting occasionally too. Can we see you starring in more movies or tv shows in the future?

aww,cara. you are too sweet. i think we know why you're the superior host to chris! thats right,i went there,chris. come at me. yes! i would love to get into more acting. i dont know that i ever want anything to be "Starring,erica hess". ideally,it would be just really interesting supporting characters. i want to be steve buscemi. rarely is he in the spotlight,but he always is the best part of the movie. i also want to be the sort of guest star that just appears in things, like how all sorts of people have made appearances in "law and order svu". though they have to get stabler back before i even think of being on that show.....unless i get to kiss mariska hartigay. i'd do such a better job than kathy griffin.

And you added another string to your bow as a host. It's not an easy job by any means but you handled the craziness of the awards with a similar craziness of yourself. I personally thought you thrived in that environment and an Erica Hess fronted weekly show is something I think about often. Is that something you have ever thought about?

with you and chris around,i think the waters are pretty crowded. my friend nina and i have been approached several times to do a show where we just shoot the shit about music industry events. sort of like a version of "the view" that people wouldnt make fun and with hosts that dont make you want to stuff a mouse in your ear,then flick his balls so he starts chewing through your skull. its one of those things where the idea of having a show seems really fun...until you have to keep doing them. honestly,i dont know how you do this,cara. each show is always just awesome. you never have an off show or a boring one. i admire anyone who can deliver quality and keep doing it.

You're in a touring band and you've been known to go hard when it comes to your music, but how do you manage to balance the contrast between that element and being a mother. I can't imagine it's easy?

its....trying. on the road,you're snorting coke off walmart bathroom counters and putting your body through hell. then you come home and the most exciting thing you'll do is going grocery shopping and finding spinach is on sale. there is certainly a period of adjustment. just like there is a period of adjustment when the tour first starts. its like "i cant sign your butt. what if my daughter sees me?". then there is of course the time away from her. that...that is the hardest. she is three now,so she understands mommy has to work sometimes. and work means being away for quite sometime. it's certainly changed our touring schedule. the harlots dont do months and months on the road anymore. its more like a month on,two months off. oh and for those wondering about drink and drugs? that stays on the road. im a regular june cleaver at home. you'll find no weed in my house. but you will find lots of goldfish crackers and organic orange juice. i squeeze it myself!

Some people have said that you're now known for just being known. An tabloid celebrity as opposed to a musician, how do you feel about statements like those?

as long as its not the sort of tabloid stories i used to be in! *laughs* i totally get where people are coming from though. can anyone name the last song the harlots released? i cant,so i certainly dont expect anyone else to. but to sound horribly snobby and "industry", fame does need to be maintained. if we arent releasing and we arent on the road,what can i do? hop on twitter and see whats going on and give my two cents. sure,i dont get paid for it. and i will NEVER be one of those people who charges people to show up at parties. that shit is stupid and needs to stop. playing the fame game leads to my getting roles in films or still being relevant enough that people want to see me on shows like yours.

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Alright, enough of the serious shit. Time for some AfterDark questions. I don't even need to ask if you're ready, do I?

i am so ready that you're going to need to dry this chair. ...god,that was filthy. i am so sorry. *covers mouth as she laughs*

First up, any dirt on Mariko that I may not already know about?

when you phrase it like that,i seriously doubt my sister's report of "we just had dinner and talked." regarding that date.. you want some dirt on mariko? she was the first of us to lose her virginity. i know this because i walked in on her! i was just minding my own business and needed to change my shirt....i spilled chocolate milk on it during a pretty intense game of clue with some of my friends. i walk into our room and there is mariko bent over MY bed with haru from art class.... she doesnt miss a beat,and just hands me her discarded shirt! i just sort of nodded thanks and backed out of the room. oh! and i didnt win that game of clue either.

You've been in some “sticky situations” before. What is the craziest thing that has happened while in a touring band?

now i dont feel bad for the chair comment,cara. the sordid goings on of the hess clan....well,lets see. probably the craziest thing i ever saw didnt involve me or even any actual sex. karoliena had a line of like 20 naked men. she would fondle each one until they got...um...ready. she would then move to the next and do the same. she then dismissed all but the two largest. then she would pit them against each other in a small plastic pool filled with baby oil. she then shot rubber bands at the penis of the winner. however many rubber bands stuck to the penis was how many minutes she would...you know. to this day,she never explained this ritual to me. i say ritual,because it happened a lot. she is going to kick my ass so hard for telling this story. or put me on blast if she does become a regular on pop culture catch up.

If you could spend a traditionally erica-esque crazy evening with one person in the industry, who would that person be?

im a taken woman now,cara! you are trying to get me in trouble! im going to cheat and name two. mainly because my real answer has retired or something. the first name on my list would be miss vanity. i always had a crush on her and thought she was so fucking hot. as for not retired people....i am going with...god,this is so embarrassing. honor wynter and kai wynter. they are married. so it has to be both. i dont want to be a home wrecker. *turns beet red and hides her face*

You can choose three people from this business to bury. Who you putting six feet under?

i am not a wrathful person! but tyron because he fucking deserves it. to quote trevor phillips,why hasnt someone sensible shot him? adam black because he is an abusive asshole. and finally miki from mimi. nobody out cutes me. NOBODY.

Worst decision you've made in your career?

being on big brother. i met one of the most toxic people i have ever met there. the fallout from those few months affected me for years afterwards. not a day goes by that i dont think about nicole shade and the events that she was the center of. i know it fucked me up,i know it fucked my sister up...erich was the same going in as going out of the big brother house: fucked up. its such a mindfuck being on that show. tiny qualities of your persona are magnified greater than they ever were,or will be.

And finally, best decision you've made in your career?

being on big brother. i honestly dont know if natalya hess would be here today if i never met nicole shade. natalya and i both could have been killed that day. but the events that were set in motion by being on that show made me the person i am today. i am stronger than i ever knew possible. if i wasnt heartbroken over nicole choosing sam fisher over me,i never would have looked for a fling on twitter,never meeting natalya,never falling in love with her and my daughter wouldnt exist today. i probably never would have been chosen to host the fca's and probably would never have hit "mainstream success."