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Offline C4AJoh  
#1 Posted : 15 November 2020 06:12:36(UTC)
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In Conversation with AMY MEYER
Presented by Half-Moon Music // Interviewed by Ashford York
Los Angeles, California, USA
Saturday, 14 November, 2020


PART I

It feels like ever since your band came thundering into the mainstream consciousness with little to no introduction, there has always been the lingering murmurings of “Oh, It’s clearly a platform for the lead singer.” And you probably were always expected to make that jump to solo star but credit to the three of you, you have all done things on your own terms. You already have a solo album to your name, but Adam was in fact the first of the group to release a solo record which nobody expected, and your debut felt a little half-hearted almost like you didn’t want to be doing it at that time. But here we are, five years on since your debut solo record with your sophomore effort and it feels like this time around you’ve put your heart into it all, every single breath and beat and the listening experience is all the richer for it.
So, it has taken a while but here you are, solo star, free of the shackles of the band, it did take a while but those sceptics and critics were right in the end, huh?


Amy: [Laughs Sarcastically] I guess they were right all long, it only took six records with the band to get to that point. It feels great to be free from those shackles that the band put me in and finally get a chance to go out on my own and be the superstar that I always knew I was. It was only a matter of time, my friend. But now we’re here and now it’s all about me. It’s all I ever truly wanted from any of this.

You’ve had it from day one, I’ve seen it and I’ve watched it manifest itself in some pretty messed up ways. I remember watching from the side stage during your headline performance at the Field Trip Festival in … I want to say 2012 but my memory is not what it once was. The reviews the next day weren’t about how the band absolutely killed it in front of the biggest single audience they’ve ever performed in front of at that point and how it was such a faultless performance and how great you all did as a unit but about how it was the gig that made you a star, it was all about you and you guys have had that a lot over the years but you never let it distract you from your main goal.

Amy: No, absolutely not. It felt like such a burden in the early days and I know, I know, it’s all fucking first world problems but it was difficult to deal with during those first two albums because we were like eighteen or nineteen but once we understood how all that negative shit is just nonsense paper talk and our fans will see through it we learnt how to shut that out. I think we truly felt like, together on stage in front of our fans was where we truly controlled our own narrative and they understood what we were and what we were about, like they saw our closeness early on and between the five us at that time, you could see it was a family dynamic. I never wanted to be on any stage without them standing by my side and I think our true fans knew this. Of course things change and relationships change over time, but I’m sure we’ll get in to all that at some point today.

Oh absolutely, and I don’t mean to be somewhat of a masochist but that’s a part of the bands history that fascinates me a whole lot and we’ve got to obviously really get into that. But we’ll try to keep this as linear as possible, I know there’s a lot of ground to cover to get to this point where you’re at today, but I’m sure we’ll get there.

Amy: For sure, man. Let’s open up some old wounds.

They’re absolutely about to get opened, I’m sure. But how did you get here, to this point in your career where there’s a line drawn over the band aspect at least for now and you’ve gone silent for almost two years and not just not releasing stuff but literally not being heard from or seen in that time, to the point where some of weren’t sure if we’d ever hear from you musically again. A lot of the rumours were that you were absolutely done with this career, from the outside looking in it just looks like everything was demolished completely.


Amy: It definitely felt that way. I mean when we ended the band that was total burnout and exhaustion, there’s no other reason for that. I don’t think the music felt stale to our fans but to us the whole thing felt stale. We couldn’t bare the thought of going through the same repetitive cycle for another album and it felt like the right time to put a pin in it in terms of the group aspect. Obviously it was expected that all three of us would continue in the industry in some way, I know Jason’s aim was to be at home more with his young family and he’s got his own brand of clothing with his wife so he completely stepped away from the music world. Adam is a free spirit, he does little pieces of everything, producing indie records and moonlighting with bands and musicians that he’s close with and for me, I knew I wanted to take a break from everything and just live as normal a life as I could for like 6 months or so just to really re-charge.

I sort of took the break as an opportunity to really figure myself out for the first time in my life, I’ve done this since I was seventeen years old, I’ve been who I was meant to be. Not necessarily who I actually am and I’d say that in the long run, I certainly know myself a little better now, I’ve still got a lot to figure out but I guess in those two years or so, I took the long and most painful route to get to that. Constant grappling with my own mental health, the worst depths of depression, anxiety, dealing with death, getting to grips with my own sexuality that I fought against all of my life, a really fucking difficult breakup, complete loss of confidence and self-esteem, lack of motivation, exhaustion. The list goes on and on, my friend.

It does and I understand how that is, it’s that old adage of ‘it never rains but it pours’

Amy: Oh, one hundred and ten percent

It may come as quite a shock to fans of yours and people just observing from afar, it’s always so easy for them to point to all the things that you have in your life, countless awards and accolades, a name that actually even to this day carries weight in the industry, amounts of wealth that some people won’t see in their entire existence, a talent that people can only dream of and they’ll ask the simplest question of all. Why can’t you just be happy?

Amy: That’s depression though, isn’t it? Like, we’ve known each other for a while now. I know you’ve had the same struggles in your past, maybe even worse. We all wish it was as easy as reading a list of all of your positives in this life, but it’s not. When you feel low and you can’t figure that shit out, you don’t even have the energy to even think in that sort of rational way. It’s not specific to myself, I’m not the only one to ever feel this way or go through any of this. But in that moment, I absolutely am the only one that feels this way and it doesn’t matter what anybody tries to do or say to guide me out of that depression, they will fail. We all will fail. I’ve observed that it helps to have good people around you, but all they can do in reality is watch it happen and hopefully pass through.

I know that my depression isn’t a permanent thing in the sense that it’s with me constantly and never lets up. I know that mine is very much episodic. I can be fine for two weeks and suddenly the smallest thing can happen and something breaks inside of me and I’m very much in that darkness for possibly a couple of months. And actually people pointing out all the things you have to be grateful for, just makes it worse because that adds guilt and frustration to the fire.

It probably comes as a surprise to a lot of casual observers but those die-hards that over-analyse every lyric and read everything written certainly are aware of the struggles you’ve faced for almost your entire life. This isn’t just a recent thing, it’s something you’ve battled with almost for as long as you can remember, right?

Amy: Right. My parents spotted it at like, five or six. I think maybe even slightly earlier the signs showed but they gave it space and time until it was clear that this thing exists within me. My first episode was an anxiety related panic attack at the age of eight years old and the solution given to my parents at that time were childhood therapy which to a lot of kids would have seemed weird. But they sort of jedi mind-tricked me into viewing the weekly sessions as like home tutoring. There were a few of my friends at school that had additional home tutoring on weekday evenings so they used that as a way to make me think it was all pretty normal stuff. I think I always knew there was something up but you’re a kind and you never really know.

That was the starting point, but then things got complicated when you went onto medication. Anti-depressants or something similar from a young age?

Amy: Yeah, I know I was medicated from the age of thirteen. I can’t remember the name but I think it was something more suitable because I remember that we moved on to like full on anti-depressants from the age of sixteen, which I think hindsight and advanced knowledge will tell you is super detrimental to be put onto something like that under the age of eighteen but it was a different time. And that’s been a part of me ever since. I’ve relied on them and found comfort in them and battled against them and just had a completely volatile relationship with them. I still find that I push back against it and it’s the moments of clarity when you make yourself believe that they’re not needed that’s when you get yourself into the real trouble. It’s a fucked up existence especially for someone who likes to feel like they’re in control.

You kept it to yourself for the longest time though and when it came to light, you didn’t acknowledge it immediately. It sort of felt like your dirty little secret and I don’t know if that was due to the way it was revealed or anything. From a former band mate and best friend. It was super shady with a lot of anger behind it. Probably your most difficult period publicly would you say?

Amy: It was so fucked up, man. Like the worst period, without doubt. I hated every second of being alive at that period. And I don’t even believe it was because that information had been put out there. But it was the hurt of how it was put out there. From somebody that I was probably the closest with at least until the last couple of months in leading up to that. Myself and Justin (Mullen former lead guitarist of Riot! In The Boulevard) had been childhood friends, had gone through literally everything together. Was probably the person I trusted the most in my life. Cracks had begun to show in our relationship around album number three (“Crossroads” [2012]) he began hating everything we were doing and sometimes it felt like it was just to be an issue for the sake of being an issue. I get it, sometimes you’re not comfortable with the direction and all that sort of thing. I personally think he didn’t like how big we were becoming and the fact that the rest of us were happy becoming that big at the time.

So it was probably a build up of over a year of in-fighting and disagreements on little things, eventually after the fourth album, he and his brother Nathan decided to leave the band. It felt like a fairly friendly departure at the time, no real drama. They just quietly left and we even spoke about keeping in touch and that the door was always open.

See, immediately my analytical part of my brain is trying to piece things together and is looking at underlying jealously and resentment, knowing what was to come. For those that don’t know, a short while after their departure from the band Justin unexpectedly released a full statement of what was supposed to be explaining his reasons for leaving the band. It was more of a long winded tirade against your character. It was a shock to everyone I knew that were fans of the group.

Amy: Honestly I didn’t even take issue with the statement as a whole. It’s one man’s one sided opinion on something. It’s not my battle and certainly not my war. For me, it was the fact that he knew what my struggles were. He knew that I struggled with them daily and that I did have a fear of opening myself up in that way, struggling with depression from such an early age and taking medication for it was something that I was always made to feel ashamed of back then. Again it was a different time back then and the world is a lot more understanding on this sort of thing, but he took that as something that could damage me and I believe that was the intention. It sucks that this is how such a deep and personal friendship ended. But it’s a part of history now. Things have changed and I’d like to think we’ve grown up a lot since then, I believe we’re all very different people now.

Have you spoken to him since then?

Amy: I have. It took a while, it definitely took a while. It was a couple of years ago but like, it was a very brief conversation. Essentially it was a quick hello, how’s the family? Sort of deal. I’ve spoken to Nathan a few more times and we text back and forth every now and then, but there was never an issue between me and Nathan. He just sort of left out of loyalty to his brother which is cool.

It seems so bizarre to me that you just bumped into each other and didn’t even acknowledge what was said or even look for an apology or anything.

Amy: Yeah, I think because a couple of years had passed before we ever saw each other again let alone spoke. The anger or resentment from my side had certainly passed. We’re both older now and many of those negative feelings from that don’t exist anymore, at least not from my side of things. He may still stand by what he did, and if he did then it sucks that there’s been no growth. But I do genuinely believe maturity has has found it’s way to both of us. I mean, deep down. I’d love to have my friend back. I think it would be impossible to be as open and close as we ever used to be. But at least on a conversational level, that would be cool.

It must have been tough to lose two members of the band, especially when you were probably at the peak of your career as a group. What was the feeling within the band when it was just yourself, Adam and Jason left?

Amy: I’d quite like to think that there was never a possibility of the band just finishing. But spoke about it and whether we should look at recruiting two new members, but it was always a family vibe. We were childhood friends and bringing two unfamiliar faces into the group would have just felt a little strange to us all. I know Adam wanted the band to carry on, Jason has always just sort of gone with the flow of things and I was just a bit of a mess at this time. I had people suggesting that we all start to experiment on projects away from the band just to have something to fall back on and that’s when the solo album began. I didn’t want to do it but I made a decision based on panic and fear which is why you got such a half-assed record, but a couple of months later we were back in the studio as a trio and the band continued. It was probably the worst period of time for me, professionally and personally. It got super dark back then.
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Offline C4AJoh  
#2 Posted : 15 November 2020 06:16:38(UTC)
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PART II

Okay, so I think the elephant in the room is there on that statement and it’s very much all over your new record. You say it got super dark and you’ve spent a lot of time in your career singing about dark thoughts. We’re just gonna come out and say it for what it is, are we talking suicide?

Amy: Yeah, I’ve thought about it. I think most of us actually have, when we’ve fallen into our darkest moments. When I was younger, like eighteen or nineteen absolutely not because although I was suffering and there were times when emotionally it was super bleak, there were enough distractions and things that I can bury myself into. And those ages are looked at as some of the most vulnerable for suicide, but I actually think twenty-three and onwards is a fucking dangerous time for anybody. For me anyway, it got darkest around 2015 and I knew exactly how I would choose to do it and I kept waiting for the right time. Which by the way in hindsight is an immediate indication that I was never ready to fully go ahead with it. In my mind at that time I was, but the smallest things would stop me and I choose to take that as a clear clue that I was never ready and that’s so upsetting to think that I could have done that.

So usually there’s a specific thing or person that they can point to and say they or that saved me. Do you know what it was or was it just a combination of things?

Amy: It was other people, in all honesty. I have such a fear of death but I don’t fear dying or how it would happen or any of that, I fear losing people and as you know I’m sure, every year you get older your get more and more familiar with the process of death and everything that surrounds it. But it was the thought of the people that I’d leave behind that pulled me back in my darkest moments. In 2015 I can point to Adam (Benjamin, rhythm guitarist of Riot! In The Boulevard) specifically. We grew so much closer after Justin and Nathan left the band and he’s probably the reason why the band continued on. He’s so different to me, he brings a different energy to your life and is super chill with literally every issue you have. I swear to god, he has all the answers.

It’s fascinating that you say that and combined with the fact that your consider the band to be a family of sorts, he co-produces your new record even though it feels a million miles away from Riot!, it seems like you’ll both be involved in each others careers whether Riot! finish or not.


Amy: It was so clear that he should co-produce the record alongside myself because it was such a personal album. If it was just a copy and paste pop record that didn’t mean a whole lot to me then it would have been outside producers or an unfamiliar team but because he probably knew the material inside out having lived in each others lives for almost ever, he knew what the material represented and how delicate it all was for me. He was brought on board even before we knew we were making a record, it just had to be that way and of course we support whatever either of us decide to do. I know he doesn’t do mainstream but he dabbles in a million different things and I’ll be the first person at the front of the queue lifting it up and I believe he’ll be doing the same for me.

We’ll talk about the new album in a little, but I just want to touch on the band for a moment. You achieved as much as anyone probably ever could in that time frame that you guys had from 2011 to 2019, you called it an indefinite hiatus. You said it was done for now but not for ever. Where do you stand on the band on this the true dawn of your solo work.

Amy: It’s the biggest and brightest thing I could have ever done and will ever do, there’s no negativity towards that or what we achieved or how it ended. It could have ended so many times over the years but we pushed on and did all the things we wanted to do with it and most importantly ended things on our own terms. The biggest thing I miss from the band is the live performances, they gave me an energy onstage that was so joyous and so much fun. I miss bouncing around the stage like I used to do. We always made a point to never say that it was completely over and it would have to be re-visited at some stage in some way but I think it’s very different now.

Do you mean you couldn’t envisage coming up with new music for the band or that you couldn’t sing those songs anymore?

Amy: No, I don’t think that’s it at all. I just think a lot of things would need to be worked out and a lot of things would need to align in a certain way in order to make it possible. Like personally, I don’t know if I ever want to be that famous again. You couldn’t announce a comeback and half-ass the return and only play to a handful of people. It’s become so much bigger than any of us that without being arrogant, we know that if we got things back together there’d be certain expectations, we’d be expected to fill out the biggest arena’s and stadiums all over the world, we’d be expected to put out material in the way that we used to.

I’d have to ask myself, is that something I still feel like I have the passion to do? Physically but also mentally too. You have to be on almost 24/7 to really do the band justice. None of us would want to tar the reputation by not going in 100%. So it’s a lot more difficult than just a yes or a no.

And with this new solo album, it’s brand new territory and you can take it where you want to go with it. If you want to go low key you can and if you want to push it to the moon you could.


Amy: EXACTLY! I think subconsciously there’s a reason why this was written and released during these times. Where I can’t go out and do interviews or magazine covers or immediate tour dates. All I can do is sit at home and let the album settle with whoever chooses to listen to it. The album is literally only going to be as big as the fans allow it to be. There are plans to tour it in the new year, but this will be pretty small venues and a much lower-key affair. It feels like it suits the music and even the thought of performing these songs in front of any crowd, large or small is a little anxiety inducing.

Let’s really get into the album, you begin the record with “hiding”, you’re singing but you slow it down to almost feel like you’re speaking against the backdrop of music and the opening lyric is “I feel the need to apologize.”. I mean, we’ve talked through quite a lot of stuff that some fans would have been aware of and some wouldn’t. But you start the damn record with an apology to your fans. Why?

Amy: Honestly, that’s how I needed to start the record. I’ve felt like such a fraud for the longest time and coming out just before that final record with Riot! was so fucking liberating but tinged with so much self-hatred and anger. Just all aimed at myself for singing these songs for so many years about being strong and true to yourself and standing up for what you believe in and all along it took me so many wasted years to accept who I truly was.

I understand where that feeling comes from, but actually I think you’re doing yourself a disservice by thinking that way. Although you ran from your own sexuality for those years, you still sang important lyrics and said important statements that encouraged your young fans to be who they are. You were always an all-inclusive band and sure if you had came out earlier that may have encouraged people more, but you certainly had a positive impact in encouraging your fans to be strong and be exactly who they are and proud of who they are.

Amy: I get that, but there’s always the feeling that you could have done more. Had more of a positive effect. But again, that’s partly why I have this fear of being looked upon in the same way as I did back then. I think that level of responsibility feels mis-placed if it arrives on my shoulders. I will always encourage our fans to stand up and be strong and fight for their cause and be exactly who they are or who they want to be. But it will always feel like I’m talking fraudulently because I didn’t always practice what I preached. I’ve spent so much of my life in fear and running from something I should have actually been running towards.

It’s an incredibly personal album, the first album written and released in a period where you truly know who you are. These songs are very personal to you, so it is bound to be a scary prospect, it’s dark and depressing at times, how are you hoping people take to the record?

Amy: Again, it’s completely new ground. The initial reaction seems to be positive but only time will tell. It’s there for people to really get into and figure out how they feel about it. It won’t be pushed to the moon, beyond this interview there really are no plans going forward until we can announce tour dates for it. I think it’s quite liberating to put something out without huge expectations for it.

Well we truly love the work produced on the album at a time when weirdly the business is thriving, but you have created a record that won’t require multiple daily listens but a record that you grab when the mood requires it and that to me is the mark of something that is timeless and will be looked on in that way well after we’re gone. Amy Meyer, thank you for talking to us so openly on this new platform and thank you for your time, it’s been a pleasure my friend and we’ll hopefully get another chance to chat in the near future.
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Offline BrownSugar  
#3 Posted : 16 November 2020 03:06:10(UTC)
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Joshua: Very, very insightful. Ashford conducted this interview wonderfully. I could tell he was genuinely invested in what Amy had to say and, while a lot of personal stuff was revealed, it wasn't with the intention of digging up any dirt for a soundbite. As a fan, I already knew a lot about Amy and the history of the band but it was wonderful to hear it all from her own mouth, in her own words. The person involved should always be the one to tell the story. The artist should always be the one to discuss their art. Thoroughly enjoyed this and like Amy said, this new album really is the record she was always supposed to make. While I did enjoy the debut, "bandages and gauze" is truly Amy's heart and soul in a project. Thank you both for such a delightful interview.

OOC: Basically what Joshua said lol. I'm a sucker for character detail. I love when people go above and beyond just releasing music. Really helps develop a stronger connection and love for characters when they're far more fleshed out. The album itself was wonderful on its own but now reading this and going back to the album thread, it elevates it even more. Knowing the intent, inspiration and emotions regarding a release just makes it all the more special. Great job here. Can't wait for further interviews!
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Offline C4AJoh  
#4 Posted : 21 November 2020 05:38:34(UTC)
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Originally Posted by: BrownSugar Go to Quoted Post
Joshua: Very, very insightful. Ashford conducted this interview wonderfully. I could tell he was genuinely invested in what Amy had to say and, while a lot of personal stuff was revealed, it wasn't with the intention of digging up any dirt for a soundbite. As a fan, I already knew a lot about Amy and the history of the band but it was wonderful to hear it all from her own mouth, in her own words. The person involved should always be the one to tell the story. The artist should always be the one to discuss their art. Thoroughly enjoyed this and like Amy said, this new album really is the record she was always supposed to make. While I did enjoy the debut, "bandages and gauze" is truly Amy's heart and soul in a project. Thank you both for such a delightful interview.

OOC: Basically what Joshua said lol. I'm a sucker for character detail. I love when people go above and beyond just releasing music. Really helps develop a stronger connection and love for characters when they're far more fleshed out. The album itself was wonderful on its own but now reading this and going back to the album thread, it elevates it even more. Knowing the intent, inspiration and emotions regarding a release just makes it all the more special. Great job here. Can't wait for further interviews!


Amy: Thanks Joshua, I figured I was only going to do one interview or promo for the album so it may as well be as in-depth and honest as possible since I feel like the record almost demands it in a way. It felt important to talk honestly and openly about some of the personal stuff and history of the band and why certain things happened because again it sort of informs the work, it hopefully helps people to understand the headspace that I was in during that period and understand the point of view of where I'm writing the album from. Ashford's probably one of the people I trusted the most with this interview, knowing what was going to be discussed and he helped to get a little more out of me than I had even originally planned. Truly appreciate the kind words, Joshua!

OOC: Thanks! I never know if people follow the small bread crumbs of character detail since I tend to go for more of a subtle unravelling rather than major statements but I thought the songs kinda lent themselves to a slightly bigger story. I like the idea of going beyond just the album thread and delving into things a little deeper. I don't know if I have the commitment to go with the "everything at once" sort of approach again anytime soon. But I had a lot of fun writing it all and it also helped launch the Half-Moon stuff that I'll hopefully be focusing on more, so that was a nice bonus! Again thank you for taking the time to read!
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#5 Posted : 18 December 2020 02:16:31(UTC)
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OOC: This was a wonderful read! It's really great to see how much Amy has really come into her own on here. I know it's hard to get the in depth story on every character on here and remembering their backgrounds and stuff like that so I do love when we write these kinds of invasive like interviews because I didn't know or remember a lot of stuff so great work with this :)
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Offline C4AJoh  
#6 Posted : 26 December 2020 19:23:25(UTC)
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Originally Posted by: RoseJapanFan Go to Quoted Post
OOC: This was a wonderful read! It's really great to see how much Amy has really come into her own on here. I know it's hard to get the in depth story on every character on here and remembering their backgrounds and stuff like that so I do love when we write these kinds of invasive like interviews because I didn't know or remember a lot of stuff so great work with this :)


OOC: Thank you! It's hard to know whether people follow the little traits and issues of the character and usually I tend to focus more on the work than their personal life drama stuff but I felt like with an album like the one she's just released a little more detail and background on the internal struggles that she's faced would have helped understand the album better. I'm glad that it was enjoyed!
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